Solitude

This post was in Draft Mode. Time to let if post.

Why is solitude so important to me? I only learned it living in a foreign country - being all alone - isolated from anything event remotely familiar. Now I seek it, fervently, despite being surrounded by friends and loved ones.

Is it because I can listen to and challenge my inner self? Is it because Self needs a supportive but neutrally critical audience. Is it because Self has no agenda other than to hear and allow it to get sorted out.

When involved with others you are either sharing, giving or taking. Alone it is all a choice. I like choices. My choices. I love choosing when to be with someone better than being pulled by expectations.

My solitude desires may well sabotage the last chapters of my life, but I don't know how to be different.

Since January

Wow! My last post was signing up for Nutrisystem. Here we are in June. I've lost 25 lbs. and am back into my beloved Liz Claiborne clothing. And all the strapless dresses I've worn once here and there are letting me in with grace.

I'm biking! With a road bike! Like 15 miles at a shot.

Yes! It worked and I'm a pretty happy camper.

Not a resolution

I signed up for Nutrisystem today. Not because it's the new year and I need to change some things. I did it because I've known for a month I needed to tackle my weight A-GAIN and with willing my trousers to latch this morning.

Why Nutrisystem? Because I'm getting lazy in my old age. I don't want to think about what I have to gather and cook and have ready in case I get hungry. I want it done for me. So in a few days a box will arrive on my doorstep and I will pull out gallon sized baggies and bag up each day's worth of food and play meal roulette each day. A new way to approach it all.

I looked into them years ago. I couldn't afford the program. Now I can. Now it will probably save me money. I don't have to feed myself and my family. Just me.

I can pop four or five of the buggers in my suitcase and eat my way through - without having to seek out a grocery store - much. I should probably check into what I need to have in my suitcase for the extra, fresh stuff. Sometimes hotel access to real food is a challenge.

I love CarbBusters, but I just don't feel like working that hard. And once that fad (it's really good eating) passed, Health Magazine discontinued supporting it or it's app (which I purchased). They never corrected the measurement typos I let them know about. Onwards and upwards eh? Pun intended.

I used to be able to live on coffee and drop the weight. Can't do that any more either - my stomach grew vocal chords and my personality harbors a monster who magically appears whenever I get hungry.

Costa Rica in March? I'll figure that out in March.

Hello 2015!

A new year is here!

I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. Last year was a magnificent year with wonderful changes and very positive things happening. I can't (yet) imagine how this year can top it. Or match it.

At the beginning of the year I was very concerned about my role ending. In February I was sent for training in Florida on a different product. I asked if I could transfer to that office. Yes!

Bought a new house near the beach, sold the old house in a hot/cold state, bought a new car with the proceeds that complements the weather, have the adult kidlet and grandchild join me, living just down the road, met up with a friend from high school and have fallen very much in love with him.

There were some challenges, but for the most part, life was on the sunny side (in  more ways than one).

I'm working out the kinks in my personality. Learning to trust my own self worth. I'm dropping of the memories of old that had a gripping hold on my psyche. I'm becoming whole, myself, and open to others.

So 2015 is bringing me to me. That's a good thing.

Namaste 2014

• Thank you 2014 for giving me an open heart to be able to move to Florida.
• Thank you too for having my family (at least part of it) adventurous enough to join me.
• Thank you for prosperity.
• Thank you for the fella.
• Thank you for change - enough change that I'm willing to evaluate my present self and the curiosity to gracefully (mostly) peek around the corner at what might be possibilities even I didn't think of.
• Thank for a strong enough fella who lets me stretch my "I'm not married" muscles without too much fanfare.

I hate to leave you wonderful year - you've been good to me. But so was 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013. I can only hope that 2015 is a drop of what this year has been.

Namaste 2014 - I honour you.

Life's Paths

I've been unmarried for over 14 years. I don't think about it much and today's society doesn't either.

Now and again someone will ask if I'm lonely - no.

Sometimes in conversation, people offer up the moans and groans of their couple-hood. Do I feel glad I'm not engaged to have my own contributions - usually. Sometimes, I just think that their "socks on the floor" comments are air escaping and they are in generally in good company. And...I think they know that too. Do I actively desire a partnership - no.

There are times that I think a nice meal out with intimate lighting and pleasant conversation rather than a Kindle would be nice. But the Kindle has good lighting and so I am in decent company after all.

I know my flaws. I get easily bored with repetition. My job offers me the comfort of knowledge repetition with an ever-changing landscape of locales, schedules, configuration and project teams. Having the bulk of my close family and friends scattered across the country offers me familiar, but not routinely scheduled holidays. I'm not afraid to vacation on my own - even in a foreign country. My daughter who lives near me, seems to thrive on the same, dynamic living pattern as I do.

So the challenge becomes how to harness the freedom of mind and body to create and maintain a stable coupled relationship. Especially when a partner is seeking a normal rhythm of life - get up and converse, head to respective jobs, return home and create a meal, share the daily goings on, go to bed at a regular time as a pair, rinse and repeat.

I change shampoos regularly. I have not mastered the rinse and repeat. My mother did not master it. I am not even particularly enamored towards it.

Why do men find unfetteredness so attractive and then began a project to harness it?

Scarves

As I was folding scarves to place in my new dresser last night, I travelled abroad in my mind and took a walk down memory lane.

The blue one with the swallows. I bought it to remind me of the annual air dance the swallows did for me in  September outside of my flat window when I lived outside of London. They came early last year so I could see them before I left.

The newsprint one with the Union Jacks. My career and where my career took me. I bought that one at the train station in Windsor. Windsor is where I got my picture taken with the palace guard - a bucket list item for me.

The black and white one Pauline gave me for Christmas when we travelled on a walking holiday to Sicily. I walked on Mount Aetna on Christmas Eve whilst there. And I also saw the most beautiful Roman/Green ruins with the sea and shoreline behind in Taormina.

The periwinkle and butterfly one I bought at a street market in Florence as a head covering so I could enter the churches.

The brown and pink camouflage one from Lea. I don't usually do brown, but this one is beautiful and suits me.

Then there are the ones I wore all the time that I purchased on High Street, below my flat - the grey/pink one, the pastel plaid one, the salmon/blue one. The list is endless.

Another High Street favourite was the white one that I wore in the warmest of places and sometimes used it as first aid for overheated walkers. It certainly cooled me down and warmed me up more than once.

I have my black and white and red and black ones from one of the many street markets my daughter and I visited in London.

Summer ones to add colour to a t-shirt. Denser ones to hold the dampness at bay.

There's the turquoise, black and silver one from Hazel. My colours to be sure. Soft and shimmery.

Every time I wear these, I wrap myself in memories.

Football?

There's a football game tonight? Broncos v. Seahawks? What? Endless Summer has entered my brain. There's no way the hint of fall/winter has a place in my head or heart or body or whatever this  year. Palm trees for me please.

Reality Check

I still find it hard to believe that I can go on a bike ride, not be chased by a dog, grab a bite to eat, sit on the beach to eat it, while watching 75 surfers enjoy the waves from storm that passed by 100+ miles out, the night before any time I want.

Taxing

Florida does not have a State Tax. Tourism takes care of that for us.

There are occasional TAX FREE events. Two I've seen so far is a two week period where hurricane season preparedness items were tax free. And another was back to school where clothing and school related items were not taxed.

And in September, 2014, the cost of registering a car is going down. Yes, I said down.

Post Office in Paradise

I went to the Post Office today. They had people circulating to see if they could help with forms or asked if they could help ahead of time. And they were all smiling.

Driving me Peaceful

I'm grateful for the peace I feel driving to and from work.

The water is my comfort - always has been. Crossing water, heading towards water. Water, water, everywhere.

I feel valued at my job. The work is interesting. And having the office be located in Florida helps a lot.

We Be Friendly

We're a friendly bunch down here in these here parts.

I was stopped at a stoplight this morning and the car/man next to me points out what a nice day it is for a convertible. "Perfect" I respond. He goes on to say it will probably be too warm this afternoon to have it down. My convertible  has no A/C. It was purchased in the Pacific NW where if it was warm enough to need A/C, the weather was good enough to put the top down.

Happiness is a convertible in paradise.

Water Water Every Where

I'm grateful for the water I see every morning and evening during my commute. The river and the ocean views are so restorative.

Circling Hawks

Last night as I was leaving work there were five hawks circling overhead. I love how their wingtips spread out and how they seem to lazily float on the air. I'm thankful for living in a place that has so much wildlife, so close. (Even if it is a wee bit scary sometimes.)

Toadies

We have toads that live near us. One very recently just under the air conditioner. He, however, got squished on the road.

The last few days I've seen little baby toads, half the size of my pinky fingernail, hopping about. Last night, during the rain storm,  several were climbing up the porch screen and up the house across the way.

I don't know why, was tiny as they are, they would choose to climb up a multi-story building. Maybe for the thrill ride down the gutter and spout?

New baby toads!

Being Thankful

I am living and loving Florida. I see God's beautiful gifts every day. I'm going to use this space for awhile to list the beauty I encounter here in Florida. It's not just flora and fauna, it's people too. Join me on my pursuit to recognize all things beautiful.

2014

Wow - 2012 > 2013 > 2014. Time flies when you're living life.

I'm back in the States and on the move again. My lifelong wish (but not on the bucket list) of living in Florida is coming true. Stay tuned.

I've starting posting again in earnest the last few months. Well, at least in my head, the posting dialog has been running. It hasn't made it to my fingers and keyboard. Why?

Living alone in a foreign country affords you thinking time you can't get in the midst of a normal life. At "home" there are family and friends and habits, that lovingly or not so lovingly hold you hostage to your life. Call, assist, schedule, go, get, talk, call, text. All things that are necessary and even desired and desirable. But away and alone seems to pacify my need to journal. I seem to experience things at a deeper level that doesn't require me to "capture" it on paper or in bytes. My experience seem to linger within me. Perhaps because they aren't so jostled by today's normal existance?

Away from "home" you get the choice to be their you or your you. The inner dialog changes from an integrated one to a more personal one. Not knowing a horde of people and being geographically disengaged from the their you, gives you a chance to listen, grow and get to know your you.

I have made many made many friends, including myself, on this magical tour. For my whole life, I've pretty much had defining people in my life. Family, friends, loves, spouses, children. I still have all of them, but with a 5000 mile cushion. I like spending time with my new friends and I like spending time with me. I've been blessed with visitors and vists home. I have the best of all worlds right now. An extension that few will ever experience.

I have travelled extensively and have friends all over the world. Close friends. I seek them out. They seek me out. I sometimes allow myself to say "not today". I have found I enjoy travelling with others as much as I enjoy traveling alone. You see things differently with others than you do on your own. I have found that I enjoy watching someone explore a place I've already been as much as I enjoy returning. I have also gone back to places where I previously visited with someone else and had a completely new experience, building on the familiarity gained on the original visit.  My solo travels where I purposely don't reach out for connections have fed my soul in yet another way. It is all the right way.

I am blessed to have so many that love me. I am blessed that I am not afraid to go it alone. I am blessed that I get to see, taste, hear, smell and walk this wonderful World. I am blessed that I can sleep wherever the night presents itself. I have visited my ancestors and communed with many Saints. I am blessed that because of all these blessings, I see the world with softer and more appreciative eyes.

My heart is full of joy.

September, My Friend

Ahh, September, here you come around again. My window to the world. How I look forward to the gifts you have historically bestowed on me. What delights are in store this year?

Five years ago today I landed in France, ready to begin my Camino. I still think of it every day. I walked a part of it again a little over a year ago. Next year, my Daughter and Grandson will join me. Joy!

Year two of my visa was completed yesterday - today the third year begins. What a wonderful adventure I've had here in the UK. I thank the Lord every day for having been blessed with this opportunity.

And today is D's Birthday. I have celebrated this for 28 years. As ever, near or far, my wishes of happiness and good cheer go out. This year I'm doubly blessed.

Ahh the things ahead look fine indeed. The surprises I await.

I love you life! I love this date! It is my centre of gravity!

Another Month

Another month has passed. I don't know where time goes. Perhaps the six weeks I worked this last month is part of the sense of fleeting time. I'm still struggling with balancing work and and life and work and life and love. Fortunately love is patient and kind and it is working out.

Alien Princess

I realised this morning, after reflecting on my weekend, I'm in transition. It is difficult, whilst enjoying the spotlight of princessdom, to remember that when partnering, the focus is the partner. I've not been in the realm for a very long time. I didn't plan on entering it again for a goodly amount of time and least of not whilst here. Still slightly feel caught off guard, but realising the precious jewel of which I've been entrusted.

When Another's Desperation Is Your Agravation

My heart is grieving. Just from the sheer existence  of the comments I've heard lately.

My county, Essex, is having a rash of jumpers onto train tracks. The suicides are wreaking havoc with the schedules and people are angry at the disruptions to their commutes/travel plans.

Those people who died were so desperate they chose a painful and disheartening way to end their lives. Their families, friends and co-workers are left with more questions than answers and are grieving with every fibre of their being. People like me, who weren't  affected, other than by the stories, are hurting in their hearts.

Blessings to those who have felt so sad and worthless. Blessings to those who are left behind. And most of all blessings to those who need it the most, those with the hardened hearts.

When Extraordinary Is One's Ordinary

I noticed it's been ages since I last posted. It's hard to keep up, to find time to post. Life is moving at the speed of light, with extrordinary things continuing to happen week in and week out. I've not found a suitable way to journal it, electronically nor in print.

So, all's well on my small and exquisite island.

Kindly Pocket It Sir

What is it with guys and their "members"? In the last month, I have seen enough "parts" to write a book...OK just a blog.

1) On a conference call, in the conference room at work. Guy howling outside (apparently out of relief). Finally look out the window and a man is relieving himself on our dumpster. Missed the opportunity to bang on the window and let him wet himself. He was less than a block from a public toilet.

2) On couch heading to Lourdes. Pulled into a to pit stop and there's a guy, watering the grass. Back to road, but wide open space, proper loo about 50 feet away behind him. 41 people cheered him on.

3) Sitting at an outdoor restraunt two days ago. Two guys are on the bank of the river with their bottles of booze. Man stands behind rock, back to river, front to me. Thank goodness for the rock.

4) Walking in the countryside, not totally alone as I've met several others along the way. Walk up on a guy again. Not in the trees, just at the side of the path. Embarrassed him. And on second thought think he wasn't just doing a wee.

And there was the time I was hiking with my daughter's boyfriend and he decided to just stop and go. Hello....? Fortunately daughter did NOT think that was a wise move on his part. Can you say H-I-S-T-O-R-Y?

Grown men can wait. We ask little tots to do so. And if you must, because you do have the "gear" to allow an easy outdoor "exit", pop your butt out of the way. You're way more enamoured with it than I am.

And not to be sexist.....the "comedy" act "Busting Out"...dud to the nth degree. I really don't need to see tit tricks done by 50 year old women's exposed boobs on stage for two hours. Totally unimpressed.

Cheers!