Rattled

As I posted earlier - I was rattled today by recent events surrounding me. I couldn't get a handle on my work - worked a long day again and just didn't get traction. My wrist kept hurting and it was really pissing me off - it was just adding to my angst. I needed a hug and couldn't roust one up to save my soul.

I had my friend move my medical bracelet from one arm to the other (I've dropped weight and the bracelet was banging against I'm guessing a hairline fracture that I EARNED last year on Timp.), realized that I did work for my staff today which was GOOD and a speciality team spent time with me finalizing a ton of questions, which will allow me to do my work better. I finally turned off the Partridge Family music and let the quiet embrace me. Listening to a cat purr is love in its purest sense. I grieved for all who need it right now, worked on the quilt, enjoyed the calls from the girls and grandson and started to get things ready for the Valentines dinner I'm cooking. I thought alot about Robert's girls tonight too - how much love they have for me. One of them pops up with something all the time - all keeping me warm and encircled.

So much has happened and unahappened in the last six months. I'm running all the tapes through my head and wondering if this my life or just a another detour? Do I ride for awhile or climb in the driver's seat? What is realistic and what is fancy? I'm alone, not lonely, but not feeling entirely whole either.

Just now, (yes, after the last paragraph and just before I typed "Just now") I read my friend Jules' blog. She was reflecting on her sad times (mine is trvial, just trivial). She had written this: "But in the midst of all this pondering and licking my wounds, I also realized that it's "just going to be this way for a while", and that has its benefits. It takes the necessity of trying to make it all ok in my head away, and that's a tremendous burden lifted."

Maybe I should follow her lead and take a break from trying to make it all OK in my head. February always toys with me, but in reality, I don't have any problems to solve, not a single one.

Tomorrow I plan to wake up on the Teri side of the bed again.