What No One Seems To Care to Understand

For the past little bit I've been "dealing" with an interesting situation.

My best friend is dating my last and most profound love and I figured it out long before I was told. And we all work together.

There are a lot of opinions that the world feels needs to be shared with me about this. There is so much verbal, visual, editorial, and emotional stimuli that I sometimes can't collect my thoughts cohesively enough to respond or react. Every thought, response or reaction requires a conscientous evaluation of what I feel, what it means and what it really means and what to do or not do next and often it requires a carefully crafted response. And I know from the feedback I'm receiving, for the most part, that when I try to relay my thoughts, that very few are actually comprehending correctly what I'm trying to communicate.

And from what I've heard, I also know that many are walking on eggshells waiting for me to high-five "it".

I feel hurt that it went so far before I was told of the increasing interest. At one point, I asked a specific question that would have opened up the dialog, outside of the office, and I believe, helped me get on board. Yes, it would have been a difficult conversation. But because of the players, it would have had to happen eventually, and it would have been better sooner rather than the later, when it did.

Once I "knew" and since I had already queried, I could only sit back and wait. It felt like a very long, isolated, excluded wait.

Knowing two people so well and caring for them both on entirely two different planes creates some interesting dialog in my head. I'm happy that both are happy -no reservations on this. Do I hold animosity on their happiness together ? No. (I've spent a lot of time exploring this and it is really a resounding "no".)

I stumble and haven't found my footing on a few things. The"he did that with me too" or the "he didn't do that with me" or the "he/she hasn't done that - I wonder why" internal dialog. That has to remain passive. I know both of them so well. They have been my world for nearly three years. I know their secrets, I know their likes and dislikes. I know their tolerance thresholds. I know their achilles heels. I know there are things they will never know about each other that I know. Actually, I honor having the responsiblity of preserving that. But if their balloon pops - who gets the hug and cookie dough?

And I am much better about not feeling the overwhelming urge to cry every five minutes because I feel displaced - that this all an either/or.

I'm still chewing on the question of whether I was still hoping he and I would ever come back together. Consciously the answer was no, but subconsciously it must have been lingering. I think that is probably what I needed the ramp of time, conversation, being on the inside, asking for help from my friend in transferring my my hopes to her.

And there is the most prevelent comment that I have had to endure: "That is so against the girlfriend code." There is no good answer nor neutral enough response. If I had a nickel.....

So while it is what it is and what is done, is done. I just wish it been more participatory than applied.

So as I needed him, back then, to help me move beyond my hard-coded connection to my husband, I can take away a benefit from this. Snip snip. I can give my heart away freely now. And as it always seems to play out for me....one door closes and another one opens. I had two back to back closures in January. And it has lead to the most wonderful February ever....far exceeding anything I could have imagined. So many special moments have been bestowed on me, that without this sequence of events, would not have transpired.

And....the most important thing to note in all of this, everything for the last few months, is the ultimate goal for me, is to be sure that my sweet Valentine has access to my whole heart. Free and clear. And I can truly give him that.

That said, I am not giving a single person persmission, under any circumstances, to say "all's well that ends well" out loud. Zip it.