More Kelly

Tuesday night I was grief-stricken, stunned and shocked. I went to yoga and cried through most of it. Fortunately I was the only person there and Karen just lead me through a quiet practice. It takes a long time for tears to dry on a floor.

Wednesday I was trying to reach everyone I could think of that needed the news. I didn't get much done at work. I still felt sad. I went to NIA and danced for Kelly. I actually felt kind of happy. I thought of all the great times while I danced. When I came home I worte a letter to his mom. That felt good too. I slept well

On the way to work today I saw a sign that related directly to something I wrote in my letter. I knew I had my sign from him, that he was near. I smiled. But the sign validated that this wasn't just a bad dream. That I wasn't going to wake up, be able to call him and laugh at the silly dream. I got more done at work and periodically (more than prescribed for a workday) read the great things everyone said about him. It stirred a lot of memories of him and people and a job and a place that I miss. I thought today would be the day that would magically feel "all better". It isn't.

This, I'm finding, is family quality sad. I spent more time with him, by working with him, than I did with my husband or family. And when my husband made some very bad choices, Kelly was the one who took care of me. I've never laughed harder than I did with him. I could always just be me. I saw more sunsets with him than with anyone. This is very hard.

(OK - writing all this helped. The major waterworks seems to be over now.)

Thanks for reading.