Falling, falling, falling

I haven't posted much this month. Emotionally, it has been a tough one. Kelly's passing is an easy one to explain. My restlessness, not so easy. Work is busy and productive. Winter is approaching. My time seems streteched and languid at the same time. My feet restless for destinations undefined. Something is brewing and I can't put my finger on it.

On the horizon I see Mexico, Ireland, Greece and Spain again.

My heart is restless for a partner. I know that I won't settle. My pragmatism and my tenacity sometimes collide in this arena. I let them have their way. Since they are still tussling, I know it isn't my time.

Fall. Transition. Cold. Curious.

More Me

I have a dozen things on my mind that I want to do. And I don't have time to do it all. There just isn't enough time in the day, week, month, year. Arrrggh. I can manage to get to a little of most touched on, thereby missing doing nothing with just a little. But I can't focus on one thing really a lot without dropping off a lot of much.

When and where did I get so much diversity in me? How did I get so many interests? I used to have one obsession at a time. Now I have many.

Can I clone myself please and schedule meetings to coordinate the sharing of my accomplishments?

More Kelly

Tuesday night I was grief-stricken, stunned and shocked. I went to yoga and cried through most of it. Fortunately I was the only person there and Karen just lead me through a quiet practice. It takes a long time for tears to dry on a floor.

Wednesday I was trying to reach everyone I could think of that needed the news. I didn't get much done at work. I still felt sad. I went to NIA and danced for Kelly. I actually felt kind of happy. I thought of all the great times while I danced. When I came home I worte a letter to his mom. That felt good too. I slept well

On the way to work today I saw a sign that related directly to something I wrote in my letter. I knew I had my sign from him, that he was near. I smiled. But the sign validated that this wasn't just a bad dream. That I wasn't going to wake up, be able to call him and laugh at the silly dream. I got more done at work and periodically (more than prescribed for a workday) read the great things everyone said about him. It stirred a lot of memories of him and people and a job and a place that I miss. I thought today would be the day that would magically feel "all better". It isn't.

This, I'm finding, is family quality sad. I spent more time with him, by working with him, than I did with my husband or family. And when my husband made some very bad choices, Kelly was the one who took care of me. I've never laughed harder than I did with him. I could always just be me. I saw more sunsets with him than with anyone. This is very hard.

(OK - writing all this helped. The major waterworks seems to be over now.)

Thanks for reading.

Kelly

I think I've said his name a dozen times in the last couple of weeks, telling people about the origins of the Goodwill Games poster, the book about the Camino, playing tricks on him in the office, smoking outside, making grand work plans and reaping the prizes. Rita Rudner riding him like a derby jocky. Monster cookies. He saved Robert. He saved me a thousand times. He was my strength during the darkest time of my life.

He NEVER once betrayed a confidence. He never once hurt my feelings. He never mssed catching me when I fell down. And he always picked me up. He never lied to me.

I learned today he had died. I have no details. Only a big fat hole in my heart.

And the planet weeps.
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