Thursday, December 31, 2009
10 years ago I was working on Y2K events. I'd never heard of The Camino. I could name the apostles, but hadn't a clue that one would take me under his wing and "adventure me".
Today, via the Internet, streaming Galacian TV, I watched the Holy Doors being opened. I watched cardinals and biships and priests line up on the steps that I sat on many times during the three days I was in Santiago. I recalled the wind blowing the clouds across the torquoise sky. I knew the courtyard they were parading across, like the back of my hand. My heart's second home.
But even more than that, I watched the pagentry with Joop. I had a chat window open and the TV station running and we watched it all together.
This was amazing to me. To have been, to be, the way we were, looking back, looking forward. My greatest gift starting this new year is thinking that my albergue dream could really be a reality.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Getting the letter from Kelly's mom was sweet, but it brought up the memories and loss again. Knowing more about how he died didn't help. Maybe in a few days it will. Right now I just imagine his discomfort and possibly fear. She's pragmatic about it - noting he didn't have some disease that slowly took his life. But still. He took good care of me in bad times. He was the est work partner ever.
I miss these men. They were the best.
Friday, December 25, 2009
One thing I've been wanting to do is organize my favorite recipes. They are in dozens of cookbooks and sometimes I forget where what is.
I have, however, had enough cholestrol today with homemade eggnog and eggs benedict to give a cardiac specialist a heart attack.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tomorrow and brief and guiltfree day. I'll start my Christmas cooking and gear up for a family weekend. I do have a dinner with friends on the weekend.
Next week will get be the launch of our new conferencing services -so the few that are working will need to be attended to and then it is catch up and prep for 2010.
Guaranteed to be an interesting year. Already.
Friday, December 18, 2009
I'll do some more and then wrap up for the day. I have a Christmas party at my house tomorrow night. Since I've been so busy, I haven't been able to see my friends, and I miss them. I look forward to the respite.
Next week will still be nuts.
The weekend then will open up to pure bliss and the perfect combination of simplicity and extravagance. I love Jesus' birthday!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Sure I have rough patches, but compared to the diamonds I call my life, crap is just a passing thought.
I have friends that have been in my life for nearly 40 years, I have new friends, I have friends I haven't met yet. I know writers and artists and travelers. I have fabulous family. I have yogis and cyclists in my fold. Gourmet cooks and musicians. My co-workers have jobs and hobbies and talents and gifts. My life is so colorful and full - how could I not, for every moment of every day, give praise and thanks for it all?
Thank you Lord for everything. Thank you friends and family for being my friends and my family. I love you all and everything you are!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
On the horizon I see Mexico, Ireland, Greece and Spain again.
My heart is restless for a partner. I know that I won't settle. My pragmatism and my tenacity sometimes collide in this arena. I let them have their way. Since they are still tussling, I know it isn't my time.
Fall. Transition. Cold. Curious.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
When and where did I get so much diversity in me? How did I get so many interests? I used to have one obsession at a time. Now I have many.
Can I clone myself please and schedule meetings to coordinate the sharing of my accomplishments?
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Wednesday I was trying to reach everyone I could think of that needed the news. I didn't get much done at work. I still felt sad. I went to NIA and danced for Kelly. I actually felt kind of happy. I thought of all the great times while I danced. When I came home I worte a letter to his mom. That felt good too. I slept well
On the way to work today I saw a sign that related directly to something I wrote in my letter. I knew I had my sign from him, that he was near. I smiled. But the sign validated that this wasn't just a bad dream. That I wasn't going to wake up, be able to call him and laugh at the silly dream. I got more done at work and periodically (more than prescribed for a workday) read the great things everyone said about him. It stirred a lot of memories of him and people and a job and a place that I miss. I thought today would be the day that would magically feel "all better". It isn't.
This, I'm finding, is family quality sad. I spent more time with him, by working with him, than I did with my husband or family. And when my husband made some very bad choices, Kelly was the one who took care of me. I've never laughed harder than I did with him. I could always just be me. I saw more sunsets with him than with anyone. This is very hard.
(OK - writing all this helped. The major waterworks seems to be over now.)
Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
He NEVER once betrayed a confidence. He never once hurt my feelings. He never mssed catching me when I fell down. And he always picked me up. He never lied to me.
I learned today he had died. I have no details. Only a big fat hole in my heart.
And the planet weeps.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
There was indoor standing and outdoor seating. Everyone in Amsterdam is friendly and personal space as we know it, doesn't really exist. A man named Orpheus sat with us and chatted. He asked me where I was from, we asked for dinner ideas from him.
When I asked him about himself, he told me he was a drummer and told me about his band. He pulled out his iPod and let me listen to some music his group was about to release. Anyone can do a CD right?
It was a blustery cold evening and we were hungry and ready for some Indonesian food. He gave me his email address so we could stay in touch.
Click on the link of his name above. He isn't just a wannabe. His vinyl gets some serious bucks. I checked out his MySpace page. David Bowie is a fan. Yeah right - Teri met a rockstar in Amsterdam.
True story...not just one of those forwarded along emails...
I had the most refreshing experience today (Sept 2, 2009) at the DFW airport. I decided to have my shoes shined while I waited for my flight to Atlanta. The graying black man with the gentle smile asked me how I was doing.
I said I was pretty good.
He asked, not great?
Who's really great these days?, I asked.
You’re alive? Yes. That's great. You have a family that loves you? Yes. That's great. You have a job? Yes, and very thankful too. That's great. You're batting three for three. Sounds like you are great to me. I get so many people in this chair that say "good, so far" like they are ready for something bad to happen. I ask them those three questions and they change their minds.
I get up every morning, look in the mirror and thank the Lord that I get to experience another great day. I am great and can't wait to see how it will get better today. You were fortunate to be born in a country where your worst day is better than many people's best day of their entire lives. And on it went....
We proceeded to have a conversation that brightened my day. He was a religious man and shared with me a couple of anecdotes that he has told his church, and one that he couldn't. :-) They made me chuckle, but his message was clear. He shines shoes in an airport, in an economy that has many of us struggling and worried for ourselves and our children, yet his faith, his family, and just getting out of bed in the morning makes him GREAT!
It made me take stock in my family, my friends, and myself. I shared with him that I would be celebrating my 27th anniversary with Gina on Friday. That's great, he said...I just celebrated my 31st.
"SO what's the point?" you may think...the shoe-shine man made my day and I just want to pay it forward with his story. I am not good at keeping resolutions, and it’s not the New Year, but my ‘Sept. 2nd” resolution is to remember I am doing GREAT every day and to try to make each day better. I am thankful to have the opportunity to be GREAT and I hope this story makes you feel GREAT. It sure did for me.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
We had four yoga practices over the course of the weekend. The weather was perfect and we were able to have them outside on the terrace. It wasn't too warm nor too cool. This is the veiw of the sky from my mat:
We hiked with the llamas. Casper, on the right, facing left, was my hiking buddy. He gave Mark, forefront a tussle. Alan, center back was our yoga instructor for the weekend. Starting in late October, Alan will be on a 150 mile trek to Nepal.
Friday, September 25, 2009
I forgot to set the alarm, but woke up at exactly the right time anyway.
I rolled over and grabbed my phone and exchanged some quick, "almost live" emails with Joop.
I checked my email and found a dozen responses to a request I'd made.
I took time to thank God for all I have, all I get to do, and only asked for him to care for my friends and family and to keep me vigilant about being grateful.
Did the "get ready for work routine"
I'm wearning my Tevas, a Camino t-shirt I made from my collage art, and a smile.
I said goodbye and "I love you" to my daughter and grandson.
In my car was my yoga mat, my hiking boots, my regular backpack, my day hiking pack, my aluminum bottle, my yoga clothes and a peach pie for my office-mates. The top is down.
I headed to my much-loved job for the day and am packed for a retreat tonight where I'll yoga, hike and have some cooking lessons.
I found a much desired surprise on my desk.
Every one of my children have told me they loved me this week.
While today's inventory is rich - there's so much more - in Europe two weeks ago, a retreat this weekend, next weekend my sister-in-law is visiting and over the next couple of months I have kids and friends who will be in my circle too.
I love my my life.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
I'm STILL getting up at the crack of dawn. No wait, I'm still cracking dawn open. About 8:00 pm I'm ready for bed. I manage to make it to 10:00 - most nights.
My head isn't leaving Europe though. That's not a good thing.
There's a lot to the why's and nothing at the same time.
I'm embracing fall with my teeth clenched.
It's been a magnificent summer and I just don't want it to close...yet.
Monday, September 07, 2009
I LOVE Paris and I'd promised myself a trip there again - alone. And the proximity to Amsterdam was reasonable so I could see Joop again. And I knew Harald was able to get to Amsterdam fairily easily. Add one distant relative that lives in Pairs and voila' - a trip that can only be described as perfect.
Tuesday: Isle St. Louis and Cite' via the Tuileries.
Wednesday: The 5th Arr. for shopping and just wandering around.
Thursday: Train to Amsterdam. Joop, with roses, picked me up at the train station. Indonesian dinner.
Friday: Amsterdam on my own for the day. Spanish dinner with Harald and Joop.
Sunday: A tearful parting for home.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
I've been working tonight on getting all the birthday greetings out that that are due while I'm gone. Many of my friends and family members have birthdays this particular week in the year.
My itinerary is sweet. A day here, a day there, half a day here, half a day there. A train ride through three countries and a couple of days there, with friends. If I eat all the croissants that everyone has asked me to eat for them, I'll gain 10 lbs. What I want is bread, butter, nutella crepe, cafe au lait and the orange juice from across the street from Notre Dame.
I found cooking stores - lots of them! I can't wait to see what I drag home. And I found lot so itsy bitsy obsure things to see and do.
I really want to sleep some before I leave - without dreaming of being there. I'm tired :).
Friday, August 21, 2009
My friend from France wrote me the other day. I haven't heard from him since New Years. He's a long way from Paris (southern France) so I don't know if I'll get to see him or not. I do know know why he's on the Camino so often.
And my dear friend from Ireland, whom I've been searching for, got ahold of me within days of planning to go there.
Oh how I know the Camino had a reason. Still a million, all the time. Just like when I was on it.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
My Paris planning surprised me.
There are things I haven't seen (thoroughly) like the Arc de Triomphe (I've been near it and under it, but haven't been able to get in it), Las Invalides, etc. I've seen the Eiffel Tower and the Louvre twice.
I am not lured to any museums this time. I am called back to a couple of churches and I will see/do Notre Dame and the Gargoyles (and the orange juice) for the third time.
But I am being called to wander. Cemeteries, areas, churches. Not an all-over-the-city pace as I've done before. I've picked four areas for three days. That's it. That's all I want.
It's my trip and I get to to it exactly as I want to. It has LUCIOUS written all over it!
And then there's Amsterdam. And my friends. This planning is next.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
I never thought about how much work I did as a mother "way back when". To look back on it is a amazing perspective.
The kidlet has been an angel so there's no effort extended for issues. Just the level of busy. Wow!
I'm nearly ready for my trip and just a little overwhelmed. It's one thing to navigate a city with someone else to consult. It's entirely another thing to do it by yourself. Just me and two cities with a population of 2 million and 1.2 million respectively. Bring it on.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
I've been hell bent on pulling together a collage that centers around the Blessed Mother, who is often portrayed with roses.
And today I found out why.
I received an email with the subject line of "roses". I nearly deleted it, thinking it was a male enhancement ad when I noticed the word Camino in the middle of the first sentence. It was "my Jerry". (Really Gerry, but I didn't know that until today.)
Gerry walked mornings with me on the Camino. In the barely light of day. I'd get started and voila' he'd waltz up behind me. We'd walk together for a bit and his 6-foot stride would carry him off toward the sunrise. He loved roses. We stopped and smelled all the roses along the trail. I'd see him again in the evening. Rinse and repeat the next morning.
I loved his Irish accent - it was tinkly music to my ears. The last time I saw him was as he escorted me to the church in Granon. It was the morning that I learned my brother had died. Gerry stayed with me longer than usual. And only when he knew I was in a good place, did he go on. Before he left, he hugged me tight and pressed a prayer card with a picture of Mary and Jesus in my hand. The prayer is in French.
I didn't have an email address for him. I'd given him a footprint pin, but I didn't know if it made the journey or not (it had my email on the card). I asked all the people I walked with if they had information about him. I asked Denise, my Irish pilgrim friend if she knew of him. She contacted every Irish pilgrim she knew. I contacted the Irish Confraternity and they couldn't pick him out.
The roses. It is all about the roses. Thank you Mary. Thank you Gerry.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
No yoga - played hooky.
I stayed up late and slept late.
I spent a long time at the Farmers Market - talked with many vendors - just having a good time.
Had my henna tattoo redone, bought a wood piece, bought some art, some paper and potatoes from a kid learning is first marketing trick (looking darn cute and circulating).
I biked. I hiked. I napped.
I cleaned up the art studio. I cleaned out a cupboard and a closet. I mopped the kitchen.
I mowed the lawn, watered the lawn and swept the patios and carports.
I finished a book. I started a book. I watched two disks of a TV series.
I made pancakes and brioche and banana bread and a ginger cake.
I rescued a mouse
I snuggled with my cats.
I said "no" to a call and enjoyed reading what all my friends did.
I like Teri a lot and it was my pleasure to spend the entire weekend with her.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Anyway...for some time after, said male made numerous requests for contact. For awhile I thwarted them, feeling that the stripes I'd seen, were stripes, a pattern, and an ingrained one at that. I didn't feel any more contact would net us anything constructive nor rebuild the relationship. After some initial chatter via IM I agreed to a phone call, but not until after I returned from my vacation. He indicated that was great!
And then nothing. No IMs. No call.
Was that the point? Did he believe that once I agreed to the call, he had the reins and could then affect me?
If it was - he failed.
If it wasn't - he failed.
Is my heart pierced? No.
Am I amused? Yes.
And one of my favorite sayings is: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
And it shows to go you - that my initial "no" was justified and still is.
Friday, July 10, 2009
I was the b-a-b-y of the family (can you say "accident"?) and was born 18-21 years after my brothers. My brothers were born when all of their cousins were being born. I was born about the time everyone was getting married and there for all my nieces and nephews are half a decade or so younger than me and were also all born about the same time. All my REAL cousins then (are you following the math?) are 18 or so years older than me.
So now the cousins that I'm adopting or are adopting me are all my age and all over the place. The fun goes like this.
Cousin Carol, a doctor, calls me by my last name. She is Robert's cousin. We met in Moab (after only a couple phone calls and less emails) and backpacked for a week in Canyonlands. And we did great - we're talking more trips. We now refer to ourselves as Team 49. She's just about to turn 50 and I just turned 49.
Cousin Claude, an engine engineer for Pugeot, in Paris. I will meet him in a few weeks when my happy toes get off the airplane in France. He's picking me up at the airport, taking me to meet his family, giving me my first French dinner in a long, long time and depositing me at my hotel at the end of the day.
Cousin Sharon. Sharon is a niece of one of my sister-in-laws. I'm going to spend a night at her house when I'm in the Denver area. She and her husband just got back from a stint in the Peace Corps. I can't wait to hear all of her stories.
And then there's Cousins Karen and Alicia - another set of relatives from the same sister-in-law. They just moved to Washington State. I did not get the opportunity to see them last weekend, but hope to again soon.
The adventures just don't quit. And I love the fact that at 49 I get cousins to play with - FINALLY!
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
We did a "photo shoot" last night. The "we" is a loose term as she wants to focus on Nick's participation in the kids' class. But...Nick is a team player and because we go to class together, wanted me included in all the pictures. He even weaseled a backbend out of me in the park. I didn't think, after having been to class and doing it and being in a public place that I could pull it off. I did. And he gently helped me out of it.
Afterwards, cute as could be, he served cake and water (we'd been to yoga class after all and needed our water).
He'll be in a parade next month too promoting kids yoga.
He's asking to go to the full on class and I think he's ready. It's so nice to have a yoga buddy.
Monday, July 06, 2009
Yup and this year I got to see a whole PILE of friends I haven't seen for awhile: Jim and Randi and Nancy and Elena. Carrie came too. And I finally got to meet Darla. I got to hike with heather (cap h doesn't work right now) AND Lenny. Jules and her family were at the other Lenny's house. I got my Pikes Place Market fix.
I realized these friends have been around forever...through so much. and when I go "home", there they are.
And hiking in the Northwest - what a treat! Mount St. helen's is up for next year (that means probably two trips to Seattle).
It was a blast (in more ways than one)! Love you all so much!
I did not say or do anything unkind. A series of scheduling conflicts made it appear that I totally withdrew, which I did not, and a few true withdrawls because I just wasn't up to it, I'm sure, added to a perception. The rest was just left unsaid. Only felt.
What I don't get is why my sadness was never addressed by the ones that I thought were the closest.
As I don't wish to be judged, I won't either. I'll revere the good and let go of the bad. And just laugh at how junior high school it all has turned out to be. I'll rejoice in the fact that youthfulness is present - in whatever form it presents itself.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Saturday I had yoga and pulled out the most blissful, graceful ever (and finally again) wheel. Did a pile of Teri things and then the dinner for Wendy.
Today was breakfast, the movie some art time and a nice chat with My Artist.
A couple of days of work and I'm off to spend some time with my dearest friends and hike with Heather. This is the vacation I look forward to the most every year.
I know I've been happy as doors open when others close. I'm contented this time that I can just be me for now. Yay!
Friday, June 19, 2009
I took a deep breath and did it.
I've worked too hard to be whole. I've climbed too far out of the hole to be shoved back into it. As much as I wanted it, it wasn't right. I still fall in love too easily, but I'm better about realizing when it isn't right.
Tonight I rode many miles on my bike. Running as fast as I could in the opposite direction? You betcha. But that's OK. I can do that. Twelve miles is nothing.
I think I'll be cured after the next 7335 miles I have planned. :)
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Amused because usually those who activate this 'gene' truly believe wringing emotions out of people makes them superior.
And I'm seriously turned off because I don't like to be manipulated.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Thursday, June 04, 2009
And the journey begins again. I have never been so sure of anything in my life.
Buen Camino Teri
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
There were a LOT of assumptions that were made last week. I tried to point it out, early on. I encouraged questions and requested the podium, but nooooo.
And rather than promulgate every little thing crossing my path during a very busy, very salient, very dynamic, and very diverse week, I finally just stepped back and let the train barrel down the tracks. Wreckage was imminent. Collateral damage became unavoidable.
And so it goes. Toot toot.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
I was given a project on Friday and it needs quick (and massive) attention in addition to the regular things that define work. And a pile of other customer things slid onto the plate too. That has dominated my time.
It isn't without shiny though...I made some creme anglaise for bread pudding Friday night. All those lonely, abandoned egg whites begged for me to also make the pecan meringue and buttercream dessert. Wendy asked for hummus.
Saturday got my yoga on. I gave my bike some saddle bags so I could use it for shopping - trying to reduce my carbon footprint. I grabbed lunch at the Farmer's Market and didn't grab another cat. I took my Grandson to see UP. I can't decide if I liked it or not. The setup was so sad. The story line was endearing, but far above a child's understanding.
P.S. Impulse is a dear. That little baby has assimilated herself so well into our family. I'm so glad he's here. We found his wondertoy - a wad of printer paper. Wears him out in no time flat.
Break over - back to the grindstone.
I have never had issues with Netflix before.
I feel a conspiracy theory bubbling to the surface.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
I don't want much, I just want more
Ask what I want and I will sing
I want everything (everything)
I'd cure the cold and the traffic jam
If there were floods, I'd give a dam
I'd never sleep, I'd only sing
Let me do everything (everything)
I'd like to plan a city, play the cello
Play at Monte Carlo, play othello
Move into the White House, paint it yellow
Speak Portuguese and Duch
And if it's not too much
I'd like to have the perfect twin
One who'd go out as I came in
I've got to grab the big brass ring
So I'll have everything (everything)
I'm like a child who's set free
At the fun fair
Every ride invites me
And it's unfair
Saying that I only
Get my one share
Doesn't seem just
I could live as I must
If they'd give me the time to turn a tide
Give me the truth if once I lied
Give me the man who's gonna bring
More of everything
Then I'll have everything
Star Is Born - Barbara Streisand
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
The shoes are new, pretty, flashy and of designer quality. I'm simply afraid I'm going to fall down.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
The day before I left for Vegas, I stepped on one of those water bottle caps that is clear and sits on the squirt bottle lids. I was wearing clogs and I went down hard. My foot had been twisted badly and I hit my hip and elbow pretty hard on the landing.
That evening I was whining to my hairdresser about how painful the twist was, how mad I was about it happening just before I went to Vegas and how pissed off, in general, that it was my foot. I love my feet - walking, yoga, etc.
She said the same thing had happened to her and her husband boiled some comfrey and had her soak her foot in the hot (not boiling) "tea". She said she had no more problems with it. '
I was desperate and there was a health food store across the street.
It worked. I was able to walk the strip the next day and all weekend without a single problem. I did know I had a foot because it was the teeniest bit tender, but there was no pain. NO PAIN!
I walked the entire strip over the weekend, wore little cutsie shoes for the evening events (walking the casinos to get there and back), etc.
I know keep a good stock on hand.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
The outdoor cooking was great!
We did great and had a fabulous time. We honored "Dad" and "Uncle" for all the wisdom he imparted on us and the link he was for us to come together.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
I met you and now I'm sure
This never happened before
Now I see, this is the way it's supposed to be
I met you and now I see
This is the way it should be
This is the way it should be, for lovers
They shouldn't go it alone
It's not so good when your on your own
So come to me, now we can be what we want to be
I love you and now I see
This is the way it should be
This is the way it should be
This is the way it should be, for lovers
They shouldn't go it alone
It's not so good when your on your own
I'm very sure, this never happened to me before
I met you and now I'm sure
This never happened before (This never happened before)
This never happened before (This never happened before)
This never happened before (This never happened before)
This never happened before
Monday, May 11, 2009
Sunday, May 03, 2009
I love my life and am grateful for all the love and graces extended to me!
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Live is good!
Enjoy each thing!
You're a lucky girl you are!
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Working was great - I have a wonderful bunch of co-workers here. We accomplished a lot, I think. Their warm hearts make up for the long cold winters.
Speaking of warm...it was in the mid-high 60's all week long. I walked to work!!
Shopping was all big city like: Borders, Sephora, REI, Penzey's, Byerly's. Oh what a lovely time I had.
I attended an art exhibit about the Camino! Met the lecturer, whose picture was also I had in a magazine I was carting around. Lots of pilgrims and a very special one who bonded with me very quickly (Camino speak).
I had a blast! Great accomplishments at work, personal head time, long sweet calls with PJ Scooby, beautiful weather. I'm grateful.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
It is difficult watching friends and colleagues suddenly find themselves unemployed. It is sad to see nameplate holders missing the name plates of people you have seen every day for nearly a decade. It is sad to hear silence.
On one hand I'm grateful to be employed. On the other hand, so devastated for those without their jobs, those who watched their friends and colleagues leave and the executives that had t make the choices and the announcements. There is no balance.
And to top it all off - Dilbert's Monday cartoon was so painfully timed.
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Throngs of people decended on the place as the evening progressed. A couple other couples we knew well showed up before the party started and we shared a few bits of chat. I tried to find another friend, but it was way to packed to find a single person or two.
When we left it was softly snowing. It wa so beautiful seeing the tall pines with snow puffed tips and the huge snow flakes drifting down.
I even got the benefit of meeting an acquaintance of theirs - an actor who lives up at Sundance.
I'd mentioned last night I was making Spaghetti sauce today for Easter lasagna. They said they had meatballs. Hey another evening to be shared.
My grandson helped fix everything today - great grandma's spaghetti sauce, garlic bread, spring salad, banana cake with browned butter frosting. He even grated the parmesan cheese. Everything was great and we had a great night sharing stories..
Tomorrow will be a long workday beacause there were a couple of things I'd hoped to tackle today. But I had so much fun....Work can be done on the workday.
Love my life.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
This weekend I was planning a 6-course meal at an event that is offered three times a year - that I love to attend. But a friend has been job hunting for awhile and got a job. So instead - we're of to celebrate. In these times.....those are the things that need the joy applied.
I have three trips in the next six weeks. I have company coming. I'm really busy with work and the hunny bunny can't make the fancy dinner.
So I'm opting for Joy and the Yoga Bunny.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
I'm about to un-cyber myself, grab my art books and Eclipse and curl up on the couch and do.....nothing more than turn pages. If I doze, I doze.
This weekend has been great - errands done, yoga, very late night of dinner with friends, a long and uplifting call with the special one, a leisurely morning coffee with my daughter, etc., etc.
Nothing to do or complain about...Nirvana!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
I'm looking forward to our first jammie day.
I get these bursts of realization now and again of myself. How so many times I have let the true part of me wander off in pursuit of finding myself. And while I "wander off" I do find new things that grow myself, I really do who I am and what makes me the most happy.
And, I find that in pursuit of "other stuff", I find myself tired and worn out and not able to accomplish much.
Example, I had let my yoga practice fall away a couple of years ago. While I still told the world that I did yoga. I did, sort of, now and again, and my heart and magazine subscriptions were still in it....but my body was not. I seemed so busy that I couldn't fit in, even one night a week. Now, I'm back in my practice three times a week and working full time. I'm doing art, spending more time with my family and friends and cooking and spending some time every day with my Valentine. I'm reading copious amounts of varied topics, taking in Netflix every day and sleeping normal hours. So...what has changed?
So very much, but the change has been back to the skin I feel most comfortable in. The active / athletic part of me (still a weird concept to me), the artistic part of me, the learning part of me and the part that likes entertainment in the vein of vampires (haha) and mysteries.
I'm just a girl from a solid and teeny disfunctional family who loves to be surrounded by people who own rose colored glasses too. I love the glitter and the glam and enjoy entering it now and again. But for the most part - give me a book and a cuddle and I'm good for the long run.
So occasionally while I play hide and go seek with Teri...the game ends and she heads home...just her basic self.
Monday, March 16, 2009
1 - It clicked. What was still gnawing at me wasn't insensitivity as I had classified it, it is actually character traits. When the lightbulb went on, I replayed a couple of head movies and voila! Total understanding. And with undertanding comes enlightenment. And with enlightenment....comes absolution and freedom from pain chains! YAY!
2 - I had a wonderful weekend with my daughter. Just kinda hanging out and catching up on stuff. It was marvelous. And our wonderful annual St. Patrick's meal. We tried to get Nick to eat cabbage and join in on the inevitible fart-fest - but he wouldn't voluntarily sign up for it. I do have to get working on planning for the secret family recipe lasagna for Easter!
3 - My conversations with MyArtist last week were uplifting and personally fulfilling. He's happy for my happy. I'm happy for his happy. And Linger is at the framer's getting her permanent gallery stretch. She join's the other fine paintings of MyArtist in Galleria Castilla. While Verdigris is sentational and amazing.....Linger will hold its own place in my heart. The gift. And I value and appreciate the deep friendship we have.
4 - Lenny's getting married! Joy - joy - joy! If someone cracked him - any man can be won over! I cannot wait to meet this special woman!
5 - PJ Scooby - what a gift you are!
I was a rough week for many, many reasons. But taking a few minutes and putting it all into perspective made me realize, again, how fortunate I am to have so many wonderful people surrounding me. Every second of every minute of every day.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
I have wonderful men in my life who are always circling me and protecting me. They let me know that I'm perfect and loved and special. Some have been around for decades, some a little less, some even a little less. They are finding themselves. They are becoming whole again. It is wonderful!
And the timing is perfect. So many hearts are thumping with joy right now - it is magnificent!
He's one of my favorite people. I see him once a year, nearly every year, on the 4th of July in Seattle. It is the annual destination for my daughter and me. A simple friendship - no Christmas cards, no email, no phone calls, no birthday cards. Just every 4th of July a couple of beers, a couple of hugs and some great conversation and a fabulous light show!
We became friends when he was getting a divorce and so was I many many many firecrackers ago. Many cups of coffee and cigarettes and lots of counseling, coaching, and cajoling.
Congratulations Lenny - I'm so happy for you. And yes, I'll see you both on the 4th. And as you always say "Love ya man!".
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
People praising me for the same thing I'm getting kicked for. Support coming from the most unexpected places.
Goofy, challenging, painful, fun. Yuck, yay, crap, and damn.
It's like March's winds are blowing right though me and mine.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
He was born August 1st. He's still in the hospital! And they just moved him to Seattle by airplane.
Here are previous posts.
Please pray for him and his family. It has been so long, so intense.
Monday, March 02, 2009
Move on everyone, just move on.
Periodic chats with my Valentine.
Oh and the dreaded clean up of the night before...three dishwasher rounds (that included 16 wine glasses) and a counter full of pots and pans.....but it was worth it.
It was a beatiful and restorative weekend!
He had some really great things to say about me and my "friendship" qualities. Trust. The ability to be an insider to many and hold secretst tight. There was more. He isn't the only one that has mentioned this before. I value what he shared. I mourn the loss of his general presence in our group and vowed not to be a passive participant nor facilitator of the derision and division going forward.
There has to be some balance and eradication of exclusion. It shouldn't be all or nothing. Relationships should not be expendable. Friendships should not be based on whether someone is core or considered an "appendage" of the one person or another.
We're grown ups - not junior highschoolers.
Friendships are supposed to be a safety net that you can fall into and never hit the ground. But, like a marriage, it requires integrity, honesty, trust and conscious decision making. An awareness of cause and effect, beyond self, particular to the "partner". And, as in marriage, poorly made choices, overlooked opportunities, erosion of foundations, etc., can lead to dissolution.
I have found, that people are now coming out of their caves to express their thoughts. Some are opinioned, some are neutral, some have shared some not so nice phrasing of the "girlfriend code".
I'm beginning to see that I "knew" a lot longer than I realized I knew, which was much sooner than I was informed. It doesn't matter any more - the when, the how, the who. I have listened more than I've spoken and I've learned much.
The thing that matters most is how I conduct myself, what thoughts I think, and how I hold myself accountable for my choices. I have many people that care about me, consistantly and compassionately. And these people deserve the very best of me - now and always.
Sunday, March 01, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
STOP is a four letter word to me sometimes. I am truly enjoying the STOP and not thinking of 200 other things that I need to be doing. It is our time.
And those wonderful flowers he sent are still hanging in there.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Warm enough for the top to go down. No gloves or heater this year. Still a coat though.
Tonight I went to a party. My friend wasn't feeling well, but I went anyway. So glad I did. Met a lot of new people again. Hard being forced to go find new friends, but its OK - they're out there.
Good day. Tomorrow I cook. 12 people coming to dinner on Monday!
Friday, February 20, 2009
My best friend is dating my last and most profound love and I figured it out long before I was told. And we all work together.
There are a lot of opinions that the world feels needs to be shared with me about this. There is so much verbal, visual, editorial, and emotional stimuli that I sometimes can't collect my thoughts cohesively enough to respond or react. Every thought, response or reaction requires a conscientous evaluation of what I feel, what it means and what it really means and what to do or not do next and often it requires a carefully crafted response. And I know from the feedback I'm receiving, for the most part, that when I try to relay my thoughts, that very few are actually comprehending correctly what I'm trying to communicate.
And from what I've heard, I also know that many are walking on eggshells waiting for me to high-five "it".
I feel hurt that it went so far before I was told of the increasing interest. At one point, I asked a specific question that would have opened up the dialog, outside of the office, and I believe, helped me get on board. Yes, it would have been a difficult conversation. But because of the players, it would have had to happen eventually, and it would have been better sooner rather than the later, when it did.
Once I "knew" and since I had already queried, I could only sit back and wait. It felt like a very long, isolated, excluded wait.
Knowing two people so well and caring for them both on entirely two different planes creates some interesting dialog in my head. I'm happy that both are happy -no reservations on this. Do I hold animosity on their happiness together ? No. (I've spent a lot of time exploring this and it is really a resounding "no".)
I stumble and haven't found my footing on a few things. The"he did that with me too" or the "he didn't do that with me" or the "he/she hasn't done that - I wonder why" internal dialog. That has to remain passive. I know both of them so well. They have been my world for nearly three years. I know their secrets, I know their likes and dislikes. I know their tolerance thresholds. I know their achilles heels. I know there are things they will never know about each other that I know. Actually, I honor having the responsiblity of preserving that. But if their balloon pops - who gets the hug and cookie dough?
And I am much better about not feeling the overwhelming urge to cry every five minutes because I feel displaced - that this all an either/or.
I'm still chewing on the question of whether I was still hoping he and I would ever come back together. Consciously the answer was no, but subconsciously it must have been lingering. I think that is probably what I needed the ramp of time, conversation, being on the inside, asking for help from my friend in transferring my my hopes to her.
And there is the most prevelent comment that I have had to endure: "That is so against the girlfriend code." There is no good answer nor neutral enough response. If I had a nickel.....
So while it is what it is and what is done, is done. I just wish it been more participatory than applied.
So as I needed him, back then, to help me move beyond my hard-coded connection to my husband, I can take away a benefit from this. Snip snip. I can give my heart away freely now. And as it always seems to play out for me....one door closes and another one opens. I had two back to back closures in January. And it has lead to the most wonderful February ever....far exceeding anything I could have imagined. So many special moments have been bestowed on me, that without this sequence of events, would not have transpired.
And....the most important thing to note in all of this, everything for the last few months, is the ultimate goal for me, is to be sure that my sweet Valentine has access to my whole heart. Free and clear. And I can truly give him that.
That said, I am not giving a single person persmission, under any circumstances, to say "all's well that ends well" out loud. Zip it.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
I didn't plan for my cat to get so sick
I didn't plan to cook
I didn't plan not to do art
I didn't plan to go to a movie
I didn't plan to work
I know my cat does not have a blockage, did not have a stroke, did not have a heart attack, does not have any neurological issues and did not die. And I know that when he stands up in the car to look out the window, people are amazed. And I do know for a fact he weighs 21 lbs and 3 oz.
I cooked a kick-ass pot pie (I will post the recipe), a beautiful (but yet untasted) quiche, and a beautiful rhubarb (but yet untasted) pie (if it tastes as good as it looks, I'll post that recipe too).
I can do art tomorrow.
The movie will be an arctic blast - Renee Zelwigger and Minneapolis.
The work I did for work is just plain rockin'
and I have a valentine.
It's not what I planned and it exceeds anything I could have imagined.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
I set them free. It didn't work. It isn't needed.
I KNOW that I am in the right place at the right time right now.
No doubts, no fear, no reservations.
It's been a long emotional winter and spring has definitely arrived.
Sunday, February 08, 2009
I baked about 7-8 dozen Monster cookies and froze another 5 dozen. I made Sunflower Seed/Wheat Bread.
I also cooked Thai today. Chicken Satay and Phad Thai. Yummy.
I've caught up with tons of people I want to school with. Amazing how we all turne dout.
And now I'm off to sleep.
It's been a fabulous weekend. I feel loved and cared for. One can't ask for more than that.
Saturday started rested, but I was not awake when I landed on the mat in yoga. I figured I would be at half mast. My yogi is so good. She started the class slow and I ended up having an exceptional class. I pulled off full half moons on both sides. Something that doesn't often happen.
Napped. Yes, I actually just stopped and napped. (Right now, between napping and coffee after dinner, I'm going strong.)
I saw Slumdog Millionaire with some girlfriends. Excellent movie! While we were doing our movie thing...the husband of one of the gals made us dinner. Can you say gourmet? I can't even spell what he conjured up. Exquisite! The wines they served were magnificent. I learned so much talking with them during the evening. We're all avid travelers and had wonderful tales to share.
I spent some time when I got home chatting with a couple of friends.
I've caught up with several schoolmates and former co-workers this week who have all commented that I have seemed to rolled back the clock, looking younger than they knew me 10-15 years ago. One gals said she saw my photo and thought I must be a daughter of mine contacting her. Nice comments. I'm flattered.
PJ Scooby didn't get the job he'd been trying for. I'm sad for him. We're finding we have so much in common. A nice feeling. It's keeping a smile on my face. As I said, one door closes and another opens. So my luck.
And there's 23.25 hours left in this day. Yay!
Friday, February 06, 2009
So.... I dumped a load of laundry in, scrubbed a toilet, fixed a biscuit and poached a couple of eggs. Not bad for a 15-step commute.
I'm off to seeing what I can find to do. God knows there must be something that doesn't require the Internet. Hmmm...I may need to back to you on that.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological tests. The funny thing is that it works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream in the mountains.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding under the water.
See. You're smiling already.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Lots on my brain.....
My friend gets her cancer "discussion" tomorrow. She won't radiate or chemo. Hopefully the surgery they did a couple of weeks ago found it and got it in one fell swoop. I'm hopeful.
Another person I know has a close friend/mentor who was just diagnosed and went straight to hospice. My friend is hurting.
I had a great inspiration last night about a new collage. Tonight, I pulled out a piece of parchment paper (to hold the pieces together until all the right ones have made themselves present), and began to collect my initial ephemera and put it in my "pieces book". A sheet fell open that held a piece I'd started a couple of weeks ago. It took my own breath away. It is stunning. It isn't done yet...something is still missing. But someday, while looking for something else its finish will reveal itself. I'm patient.
I made two new friends last weekend. We're planning "something". It'll be interesting to see what we all find in common with each other...if anything at all.
I just made a Utah Fog. Yummy.
Check out last year's posts and my beating heart!
I don't know that I can top those right now. I do know this year will be very nice - whatever form it manifests itself in. And the fact that it is a Saturday - makes it all the better.
Thump thump thump to you.
Monday, February 02, 2009
People need to tell me their "spiritual" experiences. People who normally aren't tied to God things, have "moving" or "spiritual" events and they feel compelled to tell ME.
I know exactly what they are talking about and I believe they did experience what I have many, many times. It's really joyous that they seek me out to share. It's like I'm the only safe person they can share their joy with.
And it happened again this evening.
I'm honored. I will collect hte stories and hold them high. I believe. And I'm glad they now get to too. And I will be open to all the gifts and joy that always comes my way.
Speaking of which....I have some really sweet things going on. I'm never far from Grace touching me. And it is again. And I'm aware. And pleased.
My first date with Robert was to a sold out Springsteen concert. My first kiss during one of the songs he played yesterday. A very cold night and an outdoor concert in Denver. A forgotten wallet. Sweet memories of long, long ago. All things, that via various routes, brought me to yesterday.
A lot of sensory stuff was going on yesterday....The Boss, Robert, Super Bowl parties of days gone by. It wasa good hard-fought game and a great party at friends'.
And Bruce was having a GREAT time.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
But it turned out to be a great month with lots of exciting things coming my way. Transformational is a good description.
February is when I first get to take the top down for "the season", at least one day, every year. Light is growing. I don't have to fear/loathe Valentine's Day. Everything is spring-like right. My job is fabulous.
And yes, I miss my Mom, but dang if she leave a great set of genes behind.
2009 is so gonna rock!
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Random acts of gift mailings. And then the act is returned. Packages are flying around the world. You never know when or what. Sometimes it is some kitchen goodies. Sometimes more.
It's fun to surprise send and then get the magical phone call of receipt. And soon I find upon my doorstep a return suprise. And off it goes again!
Tag! You're it!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thought of the Moment:
Reveal not every secret you have to a friend, for how can you tell but that friend may hereafter become an enemy. And bring not all mischief you are able to upon an enemy, for he may one day become your friend.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
For some of it I have to fall back on my rule that deception has no place in my house. All who have engaged, have been evicted. Always and forever. I have many people I care for and tend to. Taking the time to guess the intention, honesty, integrity of my day-to day-interaction is a waste of grace.
I have had difficult outcomes based on honesty. Nothing is harder than to have to face a reality when it isn't the reality you want. But I'll take all of those, all over again, over the absence of trust.
My life has a pattern that I've learned to trust. One door will close and another one will open. It always has (it took me awhile to see that) and it always will (hasn't failed me yet). Because of all the flux, changes are happening and they are sweet. I take time to look back, revere and take in the lessons, and I'm better accepting the change and moving on.
My life gets more wonderful in every breath and that is what I choose to rejoice!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
My mother, Robert, SweetStuff. So many things running through my head and heart. If I stay vigilant I find myself prepared and I can stay light in spirit.
Being vigilant also allows me to take on things that were not anticipated with grace.
Yoga, my art, and a few special people are wrapping their wings around me this year. We're nearly a third of the way there. Thanks to you all.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Kids in the White House - yay!
Mrs. Biden - WOW- that was the most beautiful red gown I have ever seen. You go girl!
That's American folks.
Thank you President Obama and Vice President Biden for stepping up to the plate.
Monday, January 19, 2009
I come to work, have a busy day, get lots of stuff done, go home. I have the choice of yoga or not and it's generally my collage night. I have usually made some wonderful treat over the weekend and can extend that into the week also.
Tonight I updated MyArtist's site, finished another House DVD, will have some dinner and dive in to some pieces that I've been working on, watch Buffy. I'm starting to get feedback from people on my work and it is encouraging.
Oh and about Sears. I took some of the English Lemon Bars over to the Outlet store yesterday. They looked a teeny bit stunned to see me. I told them if I could come in and be cranky, I could come in and express my gratitude for the solution too. I love my ovens!
One other note....I went to Sunflowers yesterday. They had a sign posted in the window: "You spoke we listened, we're now closed on Sundays." Huh? Who spoke, the two carloads of people staring at a sign in the window? Cars were streaming in and out of the parking lot. There was more on the sign directing people where to write if they had comments. I don't remember the exact address, but you can leave comments on their website. I did! You should too!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
I'm giving credit to the practice for things rolling off my back, a new found pragmatism and accountability stick. I'm also giving a lot of credit to it for my newly discovered creative and intutive streak.
There are certain parts of the practice that are quiet. At these times so much comes to me: understanding, clarity, peace, joy and thoughts for my art. I look forward to my "crystal ball" time.
Here are pictures of my grandson's first yoga class!
Namaste little practice, namaste.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
I've had some p-r-e-t-t-y exciting things happen to me in the past. Never quite so many in one concentrated dose.
My next goal is to beat the first 15. I have 350 days to work on that.
The only quandry is whether to focus on quantity or quality.
A BIG wink to those that already helping this goal along. WINK!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Show me your backside in a hospital gown.
I find myself in new relationships or friendships being the "will do" person and just pretty much being "all that" for the newcomer.
Show me the willingness to give up your kidney and I might bite. And the hospital gown is just for my own personal edification.
P.S. Should the relationship develop into "happily after?"....I want a pre-nup. None of this in my camp: Divorce/Kidney. I keep the goodies.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Usually I'm an open book. I haven't been. Certain people, over the decades, have shown they can be relied upon to hold my heart. And they'll continue to get it.
Some know I'm dealing with some stuff and have passed on hugs and that's fine. Perfect. But please world, don't tell me why I did this or that I'll be fine because of that. You haven't a clue. And if you did and you walked over it anyway - shame on you.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
MyArtist decided to paint on a different canvas.
I gave a presentation to 40+ colleagues
The oven parts had not really been ordered three weeks ago!
I got my salary information for this coming year.
And I think the Dish is runnng away with the Spoon!
Joop wrote wonderful missives about skating in Holland.
I only went to yoga once.
I was sicker than a dog earlier today.
And based on all of the above, the melt down I had in the Sears store, resolved the oven issue.
So good week, bad week. I'm wrung out, cried out, intuitioned out, frustrated out and have a bucket load of subject matter to collage. And most of all, at this point in the day...I'm back to being my happy, contented, looking forward to tomorrow self.
(Disclaimer: no drugs, alcohol, or being, contributed to this state.).
Next week can only get better.
Friday, January 09, 2009
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
My dear friend Joop had written. He's Dutch and he told me it has been about 12 years since the canals have frozen. He shared a very poetic and detailed description of their love of ice skating, of contacting his friend with only a couple of words to plan their skating party.
How blessed I am to have this kind of love surrounding me. It is poetry in motion. Books come to life. Music to my ears.
I'm of to sleep with visions of my wonderful friends dancing in my head.
I think about her dad a lot each time a child is born. He would have loved to be a part of their lives.
Robert, I see you in the girls faces, I see you in their hearts. I look at the grandchildren and see you there too.
Know that you're missed and your legacy continues.
Monday, January 05, 2009
I don't feel so guilty any more.
I worked an average of 52 hours a week for the year. I had eight weeks that exceeded 70 hours.
Was it worth it?
Saturday, January 03, 2009
This is the time to shop in peace, mull over the thoughts of the Universe and enjoy the feeling.
Here I go!
This is a nine year and that means it is meant for fun, memories and movement.
Friday, January 02, 2009
More to the point. At 12:00:01 AM, January 1, 2009, I could no longer say "last year" and "mi Camino' in the same sentence. That was a sad realization for my head and heart. It seems so yesterday and so long ago at the same time. It was surreal to me as the date approached to start. It was surreal when I was walking day after day. And it is surreal to think that I did it at all. Except....
When January 1, 2009 I hear from Harald and Joop wishing me a happy new year. And my dear friends beckon me to their homelands for a visit.
Joop, bless his poetic, sweet heart wrote: "Since we have met there has not been a single day that I did not think of you....."
And this is why whistfully I retreat from "last year" and enthusiastically embrace "soon" and look forward to 2012 when the "gang" all converges on Santiago once again to rejoice in our "saintly" friendships.
I am honoring all that I have. That which I've lost, I have labored long in trying to preserve, but going foward I choose no longer to mourn. It has been set free.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Still, for me, is an accomplishment. I think, I move, I do - ALL the time. To be still for nearly 90 minutes and just take in the other's and not feel I needed to adopt their goals or enlightenment was so peaceful.
It also so said a lot about where I am in finishing off last year and starting this one.