Heavy Heart

It was with a heavy heart today that I closed down the blog I had created for Paul and I to post and chat privately. It was a venue we attempted to use when I tried reaching out when he couldn't handle any communication. It was my hope that my postings would assure him of how much I cared, how tightly I was hanging on to hope, and how much I wanted to help.

Lately, I found myself checking multiple times a day to see if there something he wanted to say to me. He rarely did. I don't know if posting the great things we did and had, helped or hindered - the only responses he posted were in response to ones I posted expressing how ineffective I felt in attempting to save our relationship when I was overwhelmed.

While at one time I was confident that I was doing everything I could, events of late are leaving me feeling fragile and vulnerable.

Last night I felt like I was navigating through a jelly world - every step an effort, every thought a sigh, every other moment fighting back tears. I walked 3 miles and seemed like a journey. I finally distracted my brain with TV and got a "look Teri there's an elephant" call" and I succeeded in not crying. I finally got my tummy to stop hurting and my breathing to stop being gasps for air.

I know it will get better. It always does. One of these days I hope never to feel this way again.