On Sunday it will be eight years since Robert passed away. Do I think of him often? You betcha. Despite all the challenges our marriage held, I never for a minute thought that I wasn't loved by him. I miss him and I miss his Dad.
I hope to honor his dad this year by taking his pack to Spain with me. It's an older pack and heavy. If I can pack light enough to be able to haul it the 500 miles across Spain - it is going. I often feel like that was the trip he gave it to me for.
Robert - so many wonderful things have happened that I wish you'd been here for: Having Liz in our midst, her sweet husband and son. Laura and Clarence and their adorable boys. Little Alexis. Nicholas. You'd be so proud of all the girls - they have become beautiful women. Wendy and Heather are doing so well. Karen and I are planning a weekend trip together. God, what a sister she is to me. Mom is coming to see me in the next couple of months. Julie is turning 40 - can you believe it?Wendy's helped me by this beautiful home.
I know you're at peace and for that I'm grateful. I miss your twinkly laugh and pranks and I think of you often.
Hey - thanks for the confetti - that was a wonderful HUG. A very nice surprise in the middle of a long cold winter.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Sleepy Girl
I worked nearly 15 hours yesterday. Today we stopped working around 6 hours. Others are still finshing up. It's OK - it is the nature of our beast. Tomorrow will be hard - launches are always intense for all of us. I'm going to take advantage of the respite and catch a snooze this afternoon. I do what I love and I love what I do. And when I can catch a snooze....I'm on Cloud 9.
Later....
I was able to get a couple of hours of sleep. It was so awesome. I haven't pulled a nap out of Sunday for months! What fun!
Later....
I was able to get a couple of hours of sleep. It was so awesome. I haven't pulled a nap out of Sunday for months! What fun!
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Travel Bliss and Miss
I'm in Colorado this week. Back in civilization again. I went to the grocery store tonight and ravaged the salad bar (note: they had a salad bar to ravage), bought yummy cheese and spent proabably 30 minutes selecting the perfect artisan bread to complement said cheeses.
It is nice to be on the road again. But.......I miss SweetStuff terribly.
It is nice to be on the road again. But.......I miss SweetStuff terribly.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Sunday, February 18, 2007
This Is It!
I had the most wonderful weekend. SweetStuff and I cooked together, had a fire in the firepit, worked on my computer, fixed some chairs, did some work work. This is what I knew my life could be....doing things together. Even if one person is doing something - just being in the same room together and passing glances and hugs every now and then. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. And I've got it. I'm so very very lucky.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Rattled
As I posted earlier - I was rattled today by recent events surrounding me. I couldn't get a handle on my work - worked a long day again and just didn't get traction. My wrist kept hurting and it was really pissing me off - it was just adding to my angst. I needed a hug and couldn't roust one up to save my soul.
I had my friend move my medical bracelet from one arm to the other (I've dropped weight and the bracelet was banging against I'm guessing a hairline fracture that I EARNED last year on Timp.), realized that I did work for my staff today which was GOOD and a speciality team spent time with me finalizing a ton of questions, which will allow me to do my work better. I finally turned off the Partridge Family music and let the quiet embrace me. Listening to a cat purr is love in its purest sense. I grieved for all who need it right now, worked on the quilt, enjoyed the calls from the girls and grandson and started to get things ready for the Valentines dinner I'm cooking. I thought alot about Robert's girls tonight too - how much love they have for me. One of them pops up with something all the time - all keeping me warm and encircled.
So much has happened and unahappened in the last six months. I'm running all the tapes through my head and wondering if this my life or just a another detour? Do I ride for awhile or climb in the driver's seat? What is realistic and what is fancy? I'm alone, not lonely, but not feeling entirely whole either.
Just now, (yes, after the last paragraph and just before I typed "Just now") I read my friend Jules' blog. She was reflecting on her sad times (mine is trvial, just trivial). She had written this: "But in the midst of all this pondering and licking my wounds, I also realized that it's "just going to be this way for a while", and that has its benefits. It takes the necessity of trying to make it all ok in my head away, and that's a tremendous burden lifted."
Maybe I should follow her lead and take a break from trying to make it all OK in my head. February always toys with me, but in reality, I don't have any problems to solve, not a single one.
Tomorrow I plan to wake up on the Teri side of the bed again.
I had my friend move my medical bracelet from one arm to the other (I've dropped weight and the bracelet was banging against I'm guessing a hairline fracture that I EARNED last year on Timp.), realized that I did work for my staff today which was GOOD and a speciality team spent time with me finalizing a ton of questions, which will allow me to do my work better. I finally turned off the Partridge Family music and let the quiet embrace me. Listening to a cat purr is love in its purest sense. I grieved for all who need it right now, worked on the quilt, enjoyed the calls from the girls and grandson and started to get things ready for the Valentines dinner I'm cooking. I thought alot about Robert's girls tonight too - how much love they have for me. One of them pops up with something all the time - all keeping me warm and encircled.
So much has happened and unahappened in the last six months. I'm running all the tapes through my head and wondering if this my life or just a another detour? Do I ride for awhile or climb in the driver's seat? What is realistic and what is fancy? I'm alone, not lonely, but not feeling entirely whole either.
Just now, (yes, after the last paragraph and just before I typed "Just now") I read my friend Jules' blog. She was reflecting on her sad times (mine is trvial, just trivial). She had written this: "But in the midst of all this pondering and licking my wounds, I also realized that it's "just going to be this way for a while", and that has its benefits. It takes the necessity of trying to make it all ok in my head away, and that's a tremendous burden lifted."
Maybe I should follow her lead and take a break from trying to make it all OK in my head. February always toys with me, but in reality, I don't have any problems to solve, not a single one.
Tomorrow I plan to wake up on the Teri side of the bed again.
I Get It!
OK this not the answer to my earlier post today. It's the empty nest what do I COOK for myself answer. I've always heard people complain about having to figure out how to redo cooking for the spouse and themselves. But...I went from three to a dozen to three to me. BAM! I bought groceries this weekend. Good fresh food. And it is going to go bad because I don't or can't buy that small. And I can tell you now that whatever I make, however small I'm trying to make it - the leftovers are getting old FAST! My freezer filleth upeth with what I cookethed yesterday.
Good Girls
My girls called me tonight and so did my grandson. Intuition? What? They be my girls through and through. :)~
Happy Happy Joy Joy!
It's 6:45 pm and there's the tiniest hint of sunset still lurking in the west. There's hope for yet another summer to come. I'm so relieved. LOL.
Today was a funk day.
I figured out why I'm an "up" person - I'm convinced it is having loved the Partridge Family and David Cassidy for so many decades. How can you NOT be happy with that wonderful, sweet, bubblegum genre?
Teri be bopping tonight!
Today was a funk day.
I figured out why I'm an "up" person - I'm convinced it is having loved the Partridge Family and David Cassidy for so many decades. How can you NOT be happy with that wonderful, sweet, bubblegum genre?
Teri be bopping tonight!
I Just Don't Get It
I'm a total wreck today.
The SLC shooting in Trolley Square, the Astronaut gone stalker, my friends/family dealing with depression.
The world has always had to deal (or not) with mental health: melancholy, histronics, lunatics, nutcases, crazies, etc. I'm overhearing conversations all day today about the massacre in SLC - how "at least the gunman is dead", "the signs are always there, no one did anything about it", etc. The boy is a son, his family is greiving for him and for his victims. The astronaut lady is a big deal here in Utah. I can't decide if the problem is with her stalking a married man or if the real underlying issue is that this state thinks a "she" shouldn't have been an astronaut and she proved it out by having (or wanting) an affair.
I'm sick of the cheap words. Many are coming from people with their own quirks and idiosyncracies. Mental health is an oxymoron in the U.S. Healthcare coverage doesn't even scratch the surface (three visits my ass).
My daughter works with the mentally ill in a prison. She teaches them how to manage their illness and meds, giving them coping/living skills for their incarceration setting or when they are back out in the world. Now why can't that be an offering for the folks "out here" who are 10 seconds away from inflicting injury upon someone else whether it be an act of violence or personal harm?
I just don't get it.
The SLC shooting in Trolley Square, the Astronaut gone stalker, my friends/family dealing with depression.
The world has always had to deal (or not) with mental health: melancholy, histronics, lunatics, nutcases, crazies, etc. I'm overhearing conversations all day today about the massacre in SLC - how "at least the gunman is dead", "the signs are always there, no one did anything about it", etc. The boy is a son, his family is greiving for him and for his victims. The astronaut lady is a big deal here in Utah. I can't decide if the problem is with her stalking a married man or if the real underlying issue is that this state thinks a "she" shouldn't have been an astronaut and she proved it out by having (or wanting) an affair.
I'm sick of the cheap words. Many are coming from people with their own quirks and idiosyncracies. Mental health is an oxymoron in the U.S. Healthcare coverage doesn't even scratch the surface (three visits my ass).
My daughter works with the mentally ill in a prison. She teaches them how to manage their illness and meds, giving them coping/living skills for their incarceration setting or when they are back out in the world. Now why can't that be an offering for the folks "out here" who are 10 seconds away from inflicting injury upon someone else whether it be an act of violence or personal harm?
I just don't get it.
True Friendship
None of that Sissy Crap for us.
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound
good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series
of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no
cutesy little smiley faces on this card-just the stone cold truth!
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge
against the sorry bastard, or bitch, who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how
much worse it could be... until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well
again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;
"because you are my friend".
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only
you can feel the true warmth.
And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and
Salt and the cabana boy.
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound
good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series
of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no
cutesy little smiley faces on this card-just the stone cold truth!
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge
against the sorry bastard, or bitch, who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how
much worse it could be... until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well
again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;
"because you are my friend".
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only
you can feel the true warmth.
And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and
Salt and the cabana boy.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Update
Here's a quick update on past posts.
The Wall has has no less paper on it, but it has been embellished, with Sharpie's, by my friends: "I love this bar", "For a good time call", etc. Which goes to show me the dire need for completing that blackboard. I have creative friends. (It also shows that I have too many parties and don't get the wall worked on :)
The Quilt has two panels completely finshed, sewn together and about two-thirds of the center squares done between the two. All of the center squares are cut (except for the secret surprise ones). I have the squares cut for about six panels which means I have about half cut. Next comes ironing all the panels with quarter inch "hems" and then folding and inroning them down into four inch squares. Next is tacking the center points and starting the next set of rows.
When the quilt is done over 102,000 hand stitches will have been placed. Yes, baby, I love you.
Sweet Stuff is still in the game. I cherish our "us-ness".
Valentines Day may actually not be girls night out this year (we'll see) and if so....there's always Plan B. I actually got cards out to everyone this year - it's only been a decade or so.
The Job is still challenging and fun. I love it!
The Roommate is back in her place. Her company was fabulous. I hope if I do the roommate thing again I can find someone that perfect.
The Reorganization of House might see progress this Spring and then again maybe not.
El Camino de Santiago planning is in full swing. It's a go!
Empty Nest some days yes, some days no. I miss my daughter and grandson, but for the most part it's OK. I have a ton of friends and when I want to be alone I can, and when I don't someone has something going on.
Paris is still in my head and heart.
The Wall has has no less paper on it, but it has been embellished, with Sharpie's, by my friends: "I love this bar", "For a good time call", etc. Which goes to show me the dire need for completing that blackboard. I have creative friends. (It also shows that I have too many parties and don't get the wall worked on :)
The Quilt has two panels completely finshed, sewn together and about two-thirds of the center squares done between the two. All of the center squares are cut (except for the secret surprise ones). I have the squares cut for about six panels which means I have about half cut. Next comes ironing all the panels with quarter inch "hems" and then folding and inroning them down into four inch squares. Next is tacking the center points and starting the next set of rows.
When the quilt is done over 102,000 hand stitches will have been placed. Yes, baby, I love you.
Sweet Stuff is still in the game. I cherish our "us-ness".
Valentines Day may actually not be girls night out this year (we'll see) and if so....there's always Plan B. I actually got cards out to everyone this year - it's only been a decade or so.
The Job is still challenging and fun. I love it!
The Roommate is back in her place. Her company was fabulous. I hope if I do the roommate thing again I can find someone that perfect.
The Reorganization of House might see progress this Spring and then again maybe not.
El Camino de Santiago planning is in full swing. It's a go!
Empty Nest some days yes, some days no. I miss my daughter and grandson, but for the most part it's OK. I have a ton of friends and when I want to be alone I can, and when I don't someone has something going on.
Paris is still in my head and heart.
The Girls
Pretty much every Sunday morning us girls get together for coffee. We haul in our quilting, our crocheting, our knitting and for a little over an hour we chat. The group is growing and the bonding is getting stronger.
Some days one talks more than another. Some days we hardly speak at all. But what we do do is keep the traditional "quilting bee" tradition alive for generations to come.
Some days one talks more than another. Some days we hardly speak at all. But what we do do is keep the traditional "quilting bee" tradition alive for generations to come.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Mom
Today was the anniversary of my mother dying. It was 14 years go. Even though I'm all grown up (and was then too), I still feel orphaned at times.
I have a strong set of friends. The friendships go back to junior high, high school, past jobs, and many from my present job.
I didn't really focus on Mom's death this year. My friends need me more now than my sad memories need my attention. We have weddings to plan, hearts to heal, and happiness to sprinkle.
One online buddy messaged me today asking how I was. I hadn't even thought about Mom's death - I was just puttering through another "normal" day. He asked me if I was always happy - to him, I seemed so. I said "no", not always. I went on to explain I was given a fabulous set of coping skills and marching orders with regards to living my life......by my mother.
Thank you Mom for unfailingly loving me. Thank you for tenaciously defending me on all grounds always. Thank you for teaching me how to love despite the risks. My only wish - that you'd taught me how to cook.
I love you still every single day. And I miss you deeply. You don't know how much, right now, I'd love to be having coffee with you.
I have a strong set of friends. The friendships go back to junior high, high school, past jobs, and many from my present job.
I didn't really focus on Mom's death this year. My friends need me more now than my sad memories need my attention. We have weddings to plan, hearts to heal, and happiness to sprinkle.
One online buddy messaged me today asking how I was. I hadn't even thought about Mom's death - I was just puttering through another "normal" day. He asked me if I was always happy - to him, I seemed so. I said "no", not always. I went on to explain I was given a fabulous set of coping skills and marching orders with regards to living my life......by my mother.
Thank you Mom for unfailingly loving me. Thank you for tenaciously defending me on all grounds always. Thank you for teaching me how to love despite the risks. My only wish - that you'd taught me how to cook.
I love you still every single day. And I miss you deeply. You don't know how much, right now, I'd love to be having coffee with you.
White Nights
One of my favorite movies is on. White Nights. I love the espionage and Gregory Hines and Mikhail Baryshnikov. I love their dancing. Black, white, tap, ballet, democracy and communism. So many contrasts come together.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
The Waif
The Waif was the coffee barista Friday night. I had some shopping and cooking to do and I wanted a real cup of coffee despite the fact that it was after 7pm.
He's a skinny little pup, Seattle Grunge type. He has big dreams: He wants to paint or write. (There's a third, but I can't remember it). So for now he works at Starbucks and then he will move to LA to make more money and then he wants to wander Europe to find his dream in this world. I can envision him serving at the new Starbucks being built in the Louvre. I encourage his dreams, even if only two come true, he's far luckier than most I know. I learned to dream like this and for it I've become very fortunate in having more than not come true.
He told me he just turned 21 the other day. He and some friends had gone for dinner and bought a bottle of wine. I asked if he liked it and he said "it wasn't really good". He named the "brand"/Vineyard and said it was a "chanti". I told him that actually he'd tried a very good name and it was a Chianti (kianti). I told him it took awhile to appreciate wines.
Then he said the sweetest thing. He wanted to make a LOT of money so he could take me to France with him. WHY?!?! "So I have someone to show me what I really need to see there." I told him it wouldn't take much to get me there (cash not being the point). So he offered an expensive dinner in Paris (expensive because of the wine). I smiled and said - wine is cheaper than buying water in France. He smiled again.
He'll move on to being a permanent bohemian or respected artist or an office manager - he may or may not ever make it to Europe. Who knows? What he he doesn't realize how his comment touched me. I have crossed a milestone into wisdom and someone sought it out.
He's a skinny little pup, Seattle Grunge type. He has big dreams: He wants to paint or write. (There's a third, but I can't remember it). So for now he works at Starbucks and then he will move to LA to make more money and then he wants to wander Europe to find his dream in this world. I can envision him serving at the new Starbucks being built in the Louvre. I encourage his dreams, even if only two come true, he's far luckier than most I know. I learned to dream like this and for it I've become very fortunate in having more than not come true.
He told me he just turned 21 the other day. He and some friends had gone for dinner and bought a bottle of wine. I asked if he liked it and he said "it wasn't really good". He named the "brand"/Vineyard and said it was a "chanti". I told him that actually he'd tried a very good name and it was a Chianti (kianti). I told him it took awhile to appreciate wines.
Then he said the sweetest thing. He wanted to make a LOT of money so he could take me to France with him. WHY?!?! "So I have someone to show me what I really need to see there." I told him it wouldn't take much to get me there (cash not being the point). So he offered an expensive dinner in Paris (expensive because of the wine). I smiled and said - wine is cheaper than buying water in France. He smiled again.
He'll move on to being a permanent bohemian or respected artist or an office manager - he may or may not ever make it to Europe. Who knows? What he he doesn't realize how his comment touched me. I have crossed a milestone into wisdom and someone sought it out.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Dalai Lama
I have a book of daily wisdoms written by the Dalai Lama. This entry struck me tonight.
When we are able to recognize and forgive ignorant actions done in one's past, we strengthen ourselves and can solve the problems of the present constructively.
When we are able to recognize and forgive ignorant actions done in one's past, we strengthen ourselves and can solve the problems of the present constructively.
Rough Patch
Tonight was nice.
But
It wasn't the same.
Hollow
Tomorrow will be better.
Weekend
Solitude - mostly
Peace?
I won't let my heart break.
I won't. I won't. I won't.
But
It wasn't the same.
Hollow
Tomorrow will be better.
Weekend
Solitude - mostly
Peace?
I won't let my heart break.
I won't. I won't. I won't.
Enchantment
I went for a walk today at lunch. It was gracefully snowing. Not particulary cold. I was surrounded by millions of gigantic snowflakes drifting down from the sky.
Yes, I stuck out my tongue!
Tonight some out of town co-workers are coming to dinner. We'll wine, dine, and cozy down by the fire.
February is usually difficult month for me. I always find myself missing my mom. This year I feel at peace with the universe. And for this I'm grateful.
Let it snow - maybe I can sled before I go to work tomorrow!
Yes, I stuck out my tongue!
Tonight some out of town co-workers are coming to dinner. We'll wine, dine, and cozy down by the fire.
February is usually difficult month for me. I always find myself missing my mom. This year I feel at peace with the universe. And for this I'm grateful.
Let it snow - maybe I can sled before I go to work tomorrow!
