How To Pee In Liverpool Street or Victoria Stations

This post is not meant to offend. I repeat. This post is not meant to offend. It is to be an aid for those who must and therefore shall and wish to commence with their "duty" without swearing like a sailor.

How To Pee In Liverpool Street or Victoria Stations
A Definitive Guide to Preparation and Poise

1) Be prepared to carry your luggage down the stairs. If prepared, one won't be witnessed grunting or swearing. If carried with grace, gentlemen are more likely to offer to assist.

2) Have thirty pence at your disposal. Either in 20/10p  or 10 p increments. (Not 5p nor 2p nor penny.)
2a) If you are a kind soul, have additional coins available, as others may not. Whilst the potty dance is amusing when it isn't you, it COULD be you.

3) If carrying luggage, use the luggage gate to enter. If one attempts to use the conventional turnstile with luggage, the luggage may get caught and the potty dance may be required. The attendant is not always available to disengange you.

4)  Once inside the potty area, if with luggage, do not attempt to locate a larger handicapped stall in which to take your things. Remember the stairs? There is not one. I repeat. There is not a larger stall for you to locate.

5) Enter your stall, check the seat for dampness, hoist your suitcase onto the toilet, lean in, shut and lock the door. Remove case from toilet, place against door. Proceed with business.

6) Flush.

7) Check toilet for dampness, hoist your suitcase onto the toilet, lean in, unlock and open the door. Remove suitcase from toilet.

8) Proceed with hygiene procedures. Don't forget to watch as the Dyson hand dryer makes your skin wiggle. For added amusement give bets on if your jewellery will be sucked into the abyss too.

9) Use luggage turnstile to exit. If one attempts to use the conventional turnstile with luggage, the luggage may get caught and those on the other site may commence with potty dance replete with daggers.

10) At Liverpool Street Station proceed to escalator. At Victoria Station haul luggage up the stairs. If one gunts and goes very, very slowly, ALL the people behind will offer to carry luggage to the top.

11) Proceed to the Cronwall Pasty (pronounced "past E") shop and order either a lamb and mint pasty or a haggis, neeps and tatties pasty and proceed to board your next scheduled (pronounced "shed-uled") train.