While hoot hollery happy, I find myself being still very cautiously optimistic. I am so enjoying my time with PJ Scooby. The laughter is present daily and sometimes quite boisterous. I am incessently teased and don't feel threatened by it. The quiet times are comforting, lingering. AND I really, really like that the fact, that no matter how busy we get (and we both have demanding careeers), we make time to STOP and connect.
STOP is a four letter word to me sometimes. I am truly enjoying the STOP and not thinking of 200 other things that I need to be doing. It is our time.
And those wonderful flowers he sent are still hanging in there.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Awesome Possum
Every Saturday I wake up groggy, thinking I might not go to yoga. Every Saturday I haul my groggy carcas out of bed and to the mat. And every Saturday I'm glad I did. And today was no exception. I go to my class, come home, pick up my grandson and go to the kid yoga class which lets me attend. Today in kid yoga the kids plopped into crow pose. And I asked Nick to choach me through it because it is one I've never been able to master. I did it. I did while the room applauded. Finally! (This isn't me in the picture - but it is the pose.)Warm enough for the top to go down. No gloves or heater this year. Still a coat though.
Tonight I went to a party. My friend wasn't feeling well, but I went anyway. So glad I did. Met a lot of new people again. Hard being forced to go find new friends, but its OK - they're out there.
Good day. Tomorrow I cook. 12 people coming to dinner on Monday!
Friday, February 20, 2009
What No One Seems To Care to Understand
For the past little bit I've been "dealing" with an interesting situation.
My best friend is dating my last and most profound love and I figured it out long before I was told. And we all work together.
There are a lot of opinions that the world feels needs to be shared with me about this. There is so much verbal, visual, editorial, and emotional stimuli that I sometimes can't collect my thoughts cohesively enough to respond or react. Every thought, response or reaction requires a conscientous evaluation of what I feel, what it means and what it really means and what to do or not do next and often it requires a carefully crafted response. And I know from the feedback I'm receiving, for the most part, that when I try to relay my thoughts, that very few are actually comprehending correctly what I'm trying to communicate.
And from what I've heard, I also know that many are walking on eggshells waiting for me to high-five "it".
I feel hurt that it went so far before I was told of the increasing interest. At one point, I asked a specific question that would have opened up the dialog, outside of the office, and I believe, helped me get on board. Yes, it would have been a difficult conversation. But because of the players, it would have had to happen eventually, and it would have been better sooner rather than the later, when it did.
Once I "knew" and since I had already queried, I could only sit back and wait. It felt like a very long, isolated, excluded wait.
Knowing two people so well and caring for them both on entirely two different planes creates some interesting dialog in my head. I'm happy that both are happy -no reservations on this. Do I hold animosity on their happiness together ? No. (I've spent a lot of time exploring this and it is really a resounding "no".)
I stumble and haven't found my footing on a few things. The"he did that with me too" or the "he didn't do that with me" or the "he/she hasn't done that - I wonder why" internal dialog. That has to remain passive. I know both of them so well. They have been my world for nearly three years. I know their secrets, I know their likes and dislikes. I know their tolerance thresholds. I know their achilles heels. I know there are things they will never know about each other that I know. Actually, I honor having the responsiblity of preserving that. But if their balloon pops - who gets the hug and cookie dough?
And I am much better about not feeling the overwhelming urge to cry every five minutes because I feel displaced - that this all an either/or.
I'm still chewing on the question of whether I was still hoping he and I would ever come back together. Consciously the answer was no, but subconsciously it must have been lingering. I think that is probably what I needed the ramp of time, conversation, being on the inside, asking for help from my friend in transferring my my hopes to her.
And there is the most prevelent comment that I have had to endure: "That is so against the girlfriend code." There is no good answer nor neutral enough response. If I had a nickel.....
So while it is what it is and what is done, is done. I just wish it been more participatory than applied.
So as I needed him, back then, to help me move beyond my hard-coded connection to my husband, I can take away a benefit from this. Snip snip. I can give my heart away freely now. And as it always seems to play out for me....one door closes and another one opens. I had two back to back closures in January. And it has lead to the most wonderful February ever....far exceeding anything I could have imagined. So many special moments have been bestowed on me, that without this sequence of events, would not have transpired.
And....the most important thing to note in all of this, everything for the last few months, is the ultimate goal for me, is to be sure that my sweet Valentine has access to my whole heart. Free and clear. And I can truly give him that.
That said, I am not giving a single person persmission, under any circumstances, to say "all's well that ends well" out loud. Zip it.
My best friend is dating my last and most profound love and I figured it out long before I was told. And we all work together.
There are a lot of opinions that the world feels needs to be shared with me about this. There is so much verbal, visual, editorial, and emotional stimuli that I sometimes can't collect my thoughts cohesively enough to respond or react. Every thought, response or reaction requires a conscientous evaluation of what I feel, what it means and what it really means and what to do or not do next and often it requires a carefully crafted response. And I know from the feedback I'm receiving, for the most part, that when I try to relay my thoughts, that very few are actually comprehending correctly what I'm trying to communicate.
And from what I've heard, I also know that many are walking on eggshells waiting for me to high-five "it".
I feel hurt that it went so far before I was told of the increasing interest. At one point, I asked a specific question that would have opened up the dialog, outside of the office, and I believe, helped me get on board. Yes, it would have been a difficult conversation. But because of the players, it would have had to happen eventually, and it would have been better sooner rather than the later, when it did.
Once I "knew" and since I had already queried, I could only sit back and wait. It felt like a very long, isolated, excluded wait.
Knowing two people so well and caring for them both on entirely two different planes creates some interesting dialog in my head. I'm happy that both are happy -no reservations on this. Do I hold animosity on their happiness together ? No. (I've spent a lot of time exploring this and it is really a resounding "no".)
I stumble and haven't found my footing on a few things. The"he did that with me too" or the "he didn't do that with me" or the "he/she hasn't done that - I wonder why" internal dialog. That has to remain passive. I know both of them so well. They have been my world for nearly three years. I know their secrets, I know their likes and dislikes. I know their tolerance thresholds. I know their achilles heels. I know there are things they will never know about each other that I know. Actually, I honor having the responsiblity of preserving that. But if their balloon pops - who gets the hug and cookie dough?
And I am much better about not feeling the overwhelming urge to cry every five minutes because I feel displaced - that this all an either/or.
I'm still chewing on the question of whether I was still hoping he and I would ever come back together. Consciously the answer was no, but subconsciously it must have been lingering. I think that is probably what I needed the ramp of time, conversation, being on the inside, asking for help from my friend in transferring my my hopes to her.
And there is the most prevelent comment that I have had to endure: "That is so against the girlfriend code." There is no good answer nor neutral enough response. If I had a nickel.....
So while it is what it is and what is done, is done. I just wish it been more participatory than applied.
So as I needed him, back then, to help me move beyond my hard-coded connection to my husband, I can take away a benefit from this. Snip snip. I can give my heart away freely now. And as it always seems to play out for me....one door closes and another one opens. I had two back to back closures in January. And it has lead to the most wonderful February ever....far exceeding anything I could have imagined. So many special moments have been bestowed on me, that without this sequence of events, would not have transpired.
And....the most important thing to note in all of this, everything for the last few months, is the ultimate goal for me, is to be sure that my sweet Valentine has access to my whole heart. Free and clear. And I can truly give him that.
That said, I am not giving a single person persmission, under any circumstances, to say "all's well that ends well" out loud. Zip it.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Not What I Planned
This weekend has totally been a "not what I planned" weekend.
I didn't plan for my cat to get so sick
I didn't plan to cook
I didn't plan not to do art
I didn't plan to go to a movie
I didn't plan to work
Instead....
I know my cat does not have a blockage, did not have a stroke, did not have a heart attack, does not have any neurological issues and did not die. And I know that when he stands up in the car to look out the window, people are amazed. And I do know for a fact he weighs 21 lbs and 3 oz.
I cooked a kick-ass pot pie (I will post the recipe), a beautiful (but yet untasted) quiche, and a beautiful rhubarb (but yet untasted) pie (if it tastes as good as it looks, I'll post that recipe too).
I can do art tomorrow.
The movie will be an arctic blast - Renee Zelwigger and Minneapolis.
The work I did for work is just plain rockin'
and I have a valentine.
It's not what I planned and it exceeds anything I could have imagined.
I didn't plan for my cat to get so sick
I didn't plan to cook
I didn't plan not to do art
I didn't plan to go to a movie
I didn't plan to work
Instead....
I know my cat does not have a blockage, did not have a stroke, did not have a heart attack, does not have any neurological issues and did not die. And I know that when he stands up in the car to look out the window, people are amazed. And I do know for a fact he weighs 21 lbs and 3 oz.
I cooked a kick-ass pot pie (I will post the recipe), a beautiful (but yet untasted) quiche, and a beautiful rhubarb (but yet untasted) pie (if it tastes as good as it looks, I'll post that recipe too).
I can do art tomorrow.
The movie will be an arctic blast - Renee Zelwigger and Minneapolis.
The work I did for work is just plain rockin'
and I have a valentine.
It's not what I planned and it exceeds anything I could have imagined.
Twitterpated
The Urban Dictionary gives this meaning - In a relationship, being totally into one another - to the point of being goofy. Especially a new relationship.
Yup - I'm definitely Twitterpated. And it is so much fun!
Yup - I'm definitely Twitterpated. And it is so much fun!
Saturday, February 14, 2009
The Genie Has Left The Building
As my gaze traveled upwards to the loft, where I have my lovely roses, my eyes caught sight of the genie bottle. The flame shaped glass topper still steadfastly holding its promises and resolve inside.
I set them free. It didn't work. It isn't needed.
I KNOW that I am in the right place at the right time right now.
No doubts, no fear, no reservations.
It's been a long emotional winter and spring has definitely arrived.
I set them free. It didn't work. It isn't needed.
I KNOW that I am in the right place at the right time right now.
No doubts, no fear, no reservations.
It's been a long emotional winter and spring has definitely arrived.
Spring In Utah
3:00 - light snow
3:15 - blizzard, but only slush on roads
3:30 - blizzard, roads white with sticking snow
3:45 - snow falling, sun shining, roads wet and not white.
3:50 - blue sky
3:15 - blizzard, but only slush on roads
3:30 - blizzard, roads white with sticking snow
3:45 - snow falling, sun shining, roads wet and not white.
3:50 - blue sky
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Sweet Sunday
I cooked today. Rolled out of bed, down the stairs and cooked.
I baked about 7-8 dozen Monster cookies and froze another 5 dozen. I made Sunflower Seed/Wheat Bread.
I also cooked Thai today. Chicken Satay and Phad Thai. Yummy.
I've caught up with tons of people I want to school with. Amazing how we all turne dout.
And now I'm off to sleep.
It's been a fabulous weekend. I feel loved and cared for. One can't ask for more than that.
I baked about 7-8 dozen Monster cookies and froze another 5 dozen. I made Sunflower Seed/Wheat Bread.
I also cooked Thai today. Chicken Satay and Phad Thai. Yummy.
I've caught up with tons of people I want to school with. Amazing how we all turne dout.
And now I'm off to sleep.
It's been a fabulous weekend. I feel loved and cared for. One can't ask for more than that.
Fabulous, Fabulous Weekend
Friday night I toured the new Draper Temple. I'm not LDS, but was invited by a co-worker to go with his family. He ended up out the country so his sweet wife and five children and I went. It was a beautful place. Wife and kids were delightful - oh my, what a fun evening, repleat with a trip to Golden Corral. I'll keep them all!
Saturday started rested, but I was not awake when I landed on the mat in yoga. I figured I would be at half mast. My yogi is so good. She started the class slow and I ended up having an exceptional class. I pulled off full half moons on both sides. Something that doesn't often happen.
Napped. Yes, I actually just stopped and napped. (Right now, between napping and coffee after dinner, I'm going strong.)
I saw Slumdog Millionaire with some girlfriends. Excellent movie! While we were doing our movie thing...the husband of one of the gals made us dinner. Can you say gourmet? I can't even spell what he conjured up. Exquisite! The wines they served were magnificent. I learned so much talking with them during the evening. We're all avid travelers and had wonderful tales to share.
I spent some time when I got home chatting with a couple of friends.
I've caught up with several schoolmates and former co-workers this week who have all commented that I have seemed to rolled back the clock, looking younger than they knew me 10-15 years ago. One gals said she saw my photo and thought I must be a daughter of mine contacting her. Nice comments. I'm flattered.
PJ Scooby didn't get the job he'd been trying for. I'm sad for him. We're finding we have so much in common. A nice feeling. It's keeping a smile on my face. As I said, one door closes and another opens. So my luck.
And there's 23.25 hours left in this day. Yay!
Saturday started rested, but I was not awake when I landed on the mat in yoga. I figured I would be at half mast. My yogi is so good. She started the class slow and I ended up having an exceptional class. I pulled off full half moons on both sides. Something that doesn't often happen.
Napped. Yes, I actually just stopped and napped. (Right now, between napping and coffee after dinner, I'm going strong.)
I saw Slumdog Millionaire with some girlfriends. Excellent movie! While we were doing our movie thing...the husband of one of the gals made us dinner. Can you say gourmet? I can't even spell what he conjured up. Exquisite! The wines they served were magnificent. I learned so much talking with them during the evening. We're all avid travelers and had wonderful tales to share.
I spent some time when I got home chatting with a couple of friends.
I've caught up with several schoolmates and former co-workers this week who have all commented that I have seemed to rolled back the clock, looking younger than they knew me 10-15 years ago. One gals said she saw my photo and thought I must be a daughter of mine contacting her. Nice comments. I'm flattered.
PJ Scooby didn't get the job he'd been trying for. I'm sad for him. We're finding we have so much in common. A nice feeling. It's keeping a smile on my face. As I said, one door closes and another opens. So my luck.
And there's 23.25 hours left in this day. Yay!
Friday, February 06, 2009
Lunch Break
I'm working from home today and the office had a power outtage. Takes me off line for a bit. I won't argue with the forced respite.
So.... I dumped a load of laundry in, scrubbed a toilet, fixed a biscuit and poached a couple of eggs. Not bad for a 15-step commute.
I'm off to seeing what I can find to do. God knows there must be something that doesn't require the Internet. Hmmm...I may need to back to you on that.
So.... I dumped a load of laundry in, scrubbed a toilet, fixed a biscuit and poached a couple of eggs. Not bad for a 15-step commute.
I'm off to seeing what I can find to do. God knows there must be something that doesn't require the Internet. Hmmm...I may need to back to you on that.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Stress Relief
A friend of mine sent this to me yesterday. It left me howling with laughter.
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological tests. The funny thing is that it works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream in the mountains.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding under the water.
See. You're smiling already.
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological tests. The funny thing is that it works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream in the mountains.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding under the water.
See. You're smiling already.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Little Tuckered Teri
I was planning to go out tonight and I just ran out of energy. So jammie clad and x-acto armed...I do declare this an art night.
Lots on my brain.....
My friend gets her cancer "discussion" tomorrow. She won't radiate or chemo. Hopefully the surgery they did a couple of weeks ago found it and got it in one fell swoop. I'm hopeful.
Another person I know has a close friend/mentor who was just diagnosed and went straight to hospice. My friend is hurting.
I had a great inspiration last night about a new collage. Tonight, I pulled out a piece of parchment paper (to hold the pieces together until all the right ones have made themselves present), and began to collect my initial ephemera and put it in my "pieces book". A sheet fell open that held a piece I'd started a couple of weeks ago. It took my own breath away. It is stunning. It isn't done yet...something is still missing. But someday, while looking for something else its finish will reveal itself. I'm patient.
I made two new friends last weekend. We're planning "something". It'll be interesting to see what we all find in common with each other...if anything at all.
I just made a Utah Fog. Yummy.
Lots on my brain.....
My friend gets her cancer "discussion" tomorrow. She won't radiate or chemo. Hopefully the surgery they did a couple of weeks ago found it and got it in one fell swoop. I'm hopeful.
Another person I know has a close friend/mentor who was just diagnosed and went straight to hospice. My friend is hurting.
I had a great inspiration last night about a new collage. Tonight, I pulled out a piece of parchment paper (to hold the pieces together until all the right ones have made themselves present), and began to collect my initial ephemera and put it in my "pieces book". A sheet fell open that held a piece I'd started a couple of weeks ago. It took my own breath away. It is stunning. It isn't done yet...something is still missing. But someday, while looking for something else its finish will reveal itself. I'm patient.
I made two new friends last weekend. We're planning "something". It'll be interesting to see what we all find in common with each other...if anything at all.
I just made a Utah Fog. Yummy.
Green Valentines
Welcome back. I'm recycling this year.
Check out last year's posts and my beating heart!
I don't know that I can top those right now. I do know this year will be very nice - whatever form it manifests itself in. And the fact that it is a Saturday - makes it all the better.
Thump thump thump to you.
Check out last year's posts and my beating heart!
I don't know that I can top those right now. I do know this year will be very nice - whatever form it manifests itself in. And the fact that it is a Saturday - makes it all the better.
Thump thump thump to you.
Monday, February 02, 2009
Why Me?
It has happened more than once. Many, many times, in fact.
People need to tell me their "spiritual" experiences. People who normally aren't tied to God things, have "moving" or "spiritual" events and they feel compelled to tell ME.
I know exactly what they are talking about and I believe they did experience what I have many, many times. It's really joyous that they seek me out to share. It's like I'm the only safe person they can share their joy with.
Yes, joy.
And it happened again this evening.
I'm honored. I will collect hte stories and hold them high. I believe. And I'm glad they now get to too. And I will be open to all the gifts and joy that always comes my way.
Speaking of which....I have some really sweet things going on. I'm never far from Grace touching me. And it is again. And I'm aware. And pleased.
People need to tell me their "spiritual" experiences. People who normally aren't tied to God things, have "moving" or "spiritual" events and they feel compelled to tell ME.
I know exactly what they are talking about and I believe they did experience what I have many, many times. It's really joyous that they seek me out to share. It's like I'm the only safe person they can share their joy with.
Yes, joy.
And it happened again this evening.
I'm honored. I will collect hte stories and hold them high. I believe. And I'm glad they now get to too. And I will be open to all the gifts and joy that always comes my way.
Speaking of which....I have some really sweet things going on. I'm never far from Grace touching me. And it is again. And I'm aware. And pleased.
The Boss
Half Time yesterday was exceptionally poignant for me. How can The Boss be poignant you ask?
My first date with Robert was to a sold out Springsteen concert. My first kiss during one of the songs he played yesterday. A very cold night and an outdoor concert in Denver. A forgotten wallet. Sweet memories of long, long ago. All things, that via various routes, brought me to yesterday.
A lot of sensory stuff was going on yesterday....The Boss, Robert, Super Bowl parties of days gone by. It wasa good hard-fought game and a great party at friends'.
And Bruce was having a GREAT time.
My first date with Robert was to a sold out Springsteen concert. My first kiss during one of the songs he played yesterday. A very cold night and an outdoor concert in Denver. A forgotten wallet. Sweet memories of long, long ago. All things, that via various routes, brought me to yesterday.
A lot of sensory stuff was going on yesterday....The Boss, Robert, Super Bowl parties of days gone by. It wasa good hard-fought game and a great party at friends'.
And Bruce was having a GREAT time.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
January
January was an interesting month for me. A lot of change!
But it turned out to be a great month with lots of exciting things coming my way. Transformational is a good description.
February is when I first get to take the top down for "the season", at least one day, every year. Light is growing. I don't have to fear/loathe Valentine's Day. Everything is spring-like right. My job is fabulous.
And yes, I miss my Mom, but dang if she leave a great set of genes behind.
2009 is so gonna rock!
But it turned out to be a great month with lots of exciting things coming my way. Transformational is a good description.
February is when I first get to take the top down for "the season", at least one day, every year. Light is growing. I don't have to fear/loathe Valentine's Day. Everything is spring-like right. My job is fabulous.
And yes, I miss my Mom, but dang if she leave a great set of genes behind.
2009 is so gonna rock!
