March

One of my daughters called me a few weeks ago complaining about March. "Mom, March used to be a fun month - it was only our birthdays and it was fun. I don't like it anymore!". I tried to cajole her, but she's right.

March held her and her sister's birthdays and her dad's. It held my wedding anniversary for over a decade. Now her father and step dad have passed away, the latter in March. What before was always the promise of spring is now viewed as the extention of winter.

Add to it this year the disolving (how else can I describe it) of my relationship with SweetStuff to nothing (SUCKS).

It snowed a lot this week.

Today ends March. Tomorrow begins April. April always seems to stay buoyant - perhaps because of my birthday. Every year I'm gladder and gladder that I am and that I am who I am. Bless the bumpy ride getting here - I'm here!

So I'm officially starting 2007 tomorrow.

Looking back I had a hellava last year: A promotion, making it to the top of Timpanogos, hiking galore, Paris, Seattle, Denver and a host of other wonderful places, two new grandbabies, had an unforgettable love affair.

Travel, challenge and love - what more could one ask for!

Funky Friday

Today was a weird day.

We had a biggy meeting at work today. My friend (and co-worker) and I hauled a lifesize Johnny Depp/Captain Jack Sparrow (a gift from the client we were meeting about) into the board room. I'd also found a really big pencil, found one of those huge easel pads and took it along too (it was a really big meeting with really big things to discuss). We got a lot of laughs and some nice compliments about being able to bring a little humor into something that threatened to be a nasty assed meeting. It was a great meeting and we had a little fun!

After work I did my Friday night java jolt on foot. It was nice out side.

I'd been trying to see a movie all week and had either been intimidated by ice storms or inundated with invites. I finally get to the theater tonight and its sold out. FINE!

I decided that I would stop by a grocery store in that neighborhood that had been recommended to me as having some good cheeses. I'm hooked. They not only had some fabulous cheeses, La Brea breads, they also had Sabra hummus!!! I had this hummus on one of my trips and fell in love with it. (I don't even remember where I first discovered it). I also found bulk bins of Robin Eggs. One of my Easter time favorites.

Tonight I was treated with an email from one of my Seattle friends. I did not look him up when I was there last week. His timing is always eerie. I know the ritual - he'll pick me up, dust me off, administer some pragmatic thoughts, twirl me around, and give me a shove back into the world.

People are starting to ask questions at work. I haven't played dodgeball in years.

Two tearless days - I'm so proud.

Peace

Thank you my dear friends for a nice, sweet, peaceful, engaging evening. Your company restores me, your embraces warming. Your choice of videos apalling...but hey..we'll just call it dimension. Muchas gracias!

Thankful

I have so many people who love me. Last night I couldn't turn out the light and I couldn't contain the tears or control the sobs. That was round three for the day and I needed to rest so I could work today. My oldest cradled me on the phone until I was ready to sleep. Today a friend offered me her place and companionship in an attempt to hold the grief at bay for a day. A daily hug from a co-worker - where I can rest my head for a moment.

I will work through it - I won't pretend it doesn't matter or disrespect it.

While feeling this way is undesirably miserable (SUCKS), I also find a little piece of joy (REACHING). It validates that it is a loss, that my devotion was real and that I still had it in me to love and care and fight. I thought that part of me died with Robert.

So here's to pain, here's to love, here' s to hope. As Barry crones..."'Cause feeling pain's a hard way to know you're still alive, but someday someone will make you glad you survived."

Pout

Spain

My shifted my Spain trip site into high gear tonight. Check it out:

http://mi-viaje-a-santiago.blogspot.com/

The second biggest challenge today? Not smiling for the Passport photo.

Jules' Take on the Seattle Trip

Check it out!

http://planetjules.blogspot.com/2007/03/sweetness-in-seattle.html

Should My Rose Colored Glasses Be Dislodged

Sounding bitter she says (she knows it's just shadowboxing the pain) the reality is - I won't miss the absences which began to outnumber the presences. I won't miss the heartache of the "I'll call you"'s and didn'ts. I won't miss the silence of waiting or the weekends alone. The exotic getaway plans, which not once materialized, will no longer make me wish.

We connected so deeply on so many levels - I just wish we'd been given the gift of preserving it.

When we were connected it was spectacular - when the the twilight, then darkness, overtook our relationship it was dark and cold and very very empty.

I don't regret, not for one second, the time we've had - I was introduced to new levels of love I've not known before. For now though, the contrast s very striking, and difficult to maneuver through gracefully and without a box of tissues within reach at all times.

Time Travels - Updated

A little over four months ago I embarked on the most beautiful relationship I've experienced to date.
Exactly three months ago a pin hole appeared in my bubble.
Exactly two months ago I began the hardest fight of my life to save the best thing that ever happened to me.
This week it finally sunk in - it's gone. And I doubt it will ever be revived.

This morning I took inventory. In my little memory box I have:
* Four beautiful holidays - for which I'm so very greatful they remained intact.
* Romance so profound I could write a book.
* Roses every day
* Tenderness so sweet that only a gentle spring breeze could compare.
* Dinners so emotionally and tastefully gratifying they defy definition.
* Enough notes, IMs, emails and cards to fill a library.
* Two nightshirts - one with more airline miles than most people, one for "him" dreams.
* A red bear to keep me warm and touched at night.
* Beautiful happy pictures to span a lifetime.
* Every space in my home filled with sweet memories that I can savor on demand.

And a void so vast I cannot see a shore.

Please Don't Be Scared

This has gotten me through many a painful time - Thank you Barry!

There's a light behind your eyes
I see it shining
It only fades when you cry
There's a heart that beats so strong
I feel it dyin'
When the night time lasts too long
Now you and I have lived out centuries
And all I can say is what you've offered to me.
Please don't be scared
'Cause I've stood there too.
Between survival and the right thing to do.
'Cause only the strong admit their fears
And if you really need me
I'll always be here.
The parties and the lights
Fade to memories
in the still of the night.
And you wonder in your mind
If theres nothing left to show
for all the time
'Cause feeling pains a hard way to know you're still alive
But someday someone will make you glad you survived.
So Please don't be scared,
'cause I've stood there too
Between survival and the right thing to do.
'Cause only the strong admit their fears
And if you really need me
I'll always be here.
'Cause feeling pains a hard way to know you're still alive.
But someday someone
will make you glad you survived.
Please don't be scared.
'Cause I've stood there too.
Between survival and the right thing to do.
'Cause only the strong admit their fears
and if you really need me
Oh, I'll always be here.
No matter where you are...
If you really need me...
I'm never far...

Camping Out

My grandson and I are going camping tonight. We've pitched the hammock, will be lighting the fire pit, and have sleeping bags and marshmallows ready. A spring, backyard fling. How's that for fun?

Seattle Love

Inevitably upon landing at SeaTac Airport, tears begin flow. The pilot always manages a sweeping view of Puget Sound, The Space Needle, the breathtaking Seattle skyline. I remember how much I love both the city and city life.

In my travels I see many beautiful locales and I try to find a uniqueness and glamour in each. None hold a candle to Seattle. (OK, OK, Paris does have its own pair of candlesticks.)

This weekend I was able to reacquaint myself with the Pike Place Market and the vibrant Freemont district.

At the Market, tulips and daffodils dominated the flower stands, unique baubbles and gifts called to my pocketbook. I found a new cheese shop and frequented the French bakery for warm fresh brioche to eat with said cheese. I bought Pike Place Market wine and a fig and hazelnut spread. A gift for a friend's upcoming birthday. The food aromas are magnificent.

I ate memorable Thai food (I miss this the most), the freshest seafood, my favorite Italian dish. I learned that halibut have cheeks. (I didn't ask if they were face cheeks or butt cheeks!)

In Fremont stands the Stalin statue, the Rocket and Deluxe Junk (scored another fabulous coat!).

I made new friends, saw old friends, spent time with my daughter.

The trip was blessed with sunshine - even Mt. Rainier came out to greet me! And there was rain - how could it not?

I can't believe so much ground was covered in such a short time - what a joyous and memorable weekend!

The Big Four-Oh

Seven women decended on Seattle this weekend, six of which had the ulitmate goal of surprising Julie for her 40th birthday. Our usually unflappable pal let out a few shrieks and tears. Her sister, Jill, was the detective and planner that put it all together. Add three college roomates for lunch! It was the ultimate slumber party, shopping spree and fine food fest all rolled into one fabulous weekend!

Neatest Toy!

Finally finally finally. I broke down and bought a USB Turntable. What does this mean? It means I can take all those record albums I've been hauling around for 30 years (yes! 30), play them on this "record player", have the music go on my computer, save them as .wav files and import them into iTunes and LISTEN TO THEM ON MY iPOD!!!. (Too much for you? Just think pixy dust!)

Michael Murphey, Blondie, The Grassroots, my original Barry Manilow albums and OK we can honestly go back to 1972 to the Partridge Family, etc., etc. We're talking pre 8-track. We're talking - I can pick albums up for pennies on the dollar and listen to them on my iPod.

Life is good. It's fun to be old and a geek!

Ladies Of The Night

Give us a Saturday, a little black dress, a nice place to eat and we'll make an event of it! My former roommate and I were dining fine at Chef's Table in Orem. (Yes, it can happen). I highly recommend the wine - it was offered to us on a previous event at the same restaurant, by the chef himself. Hermitage. After researching it, I found the reason I liked it so much. It is from the Côtes du Rhône region of France. One of my current favorites carries a label by that name.

PS - the curls are NOT a perm and Chef Kent took the picture.

Upcoming..............ROAD TRIP!!!

A Little Insomnia, A Little List

I woke up at 4am this morning. While I tried to turn over and go back to sleep, it didn't work. OK the time change is Sunday and being the overachiever that I am - I thought "let's go with it".

I'm a list maker. Partly for remembering that I need to attend to something, mostly it is because when I cross the task off I feel a sense of achievement. Having to move something over to the next day or weekend can be a bit of a demotivator when I'm not on my game. When all the pistons are firing, pushing that task over becomes a motivator to not have to push it around again.

Do I ever finish? No. There are more than enough chores and deeds and wanderings to happen. One thing it does tell me, every day, no matter what:

I am alive and I can choose how to live yet another day.

Tugging At My Heart!

Last week while driving home traffic began to stop on the highway. I was at a perfect spot to exit off the highway. The off-ramp was on an incline. I looked below and saw that all the traffic had stopped in a pefect line - three lanes across. Emergency equipment had not yet arrived (I would have been about three cars back from the scene). I could see one person lying on the highway in the center lane. A lady with long blond hair was with him/her. I felt so very very sorry for everyone involved and sent up a prayer for assistance and healing.

Today I came upon another scene where the person downtown who had either been hit by a car or had collapsed at the curb. This time medics were just arriving.

My sister in law emailed me yesterday and told me that my brother's cancer had returned. One of my grandsons was in the hospital over the weekend. My dearest is struggling. I'm desperately dog paddling to stay emotionally afloat myself.

It's like the pretty crystal has shattered and our world has shifted on its axis. Where' s the peaceful world that I'm normally so blissfully ensconced in? I want it back. Please.

At Which Point In Time

My iPod recently died and through the warranty replaced with a refurbished one (my choice) that died, appropriately within blocks of Best Buy, unfortunately within a few weeks of receiving it.

Best Buy, being really great people, decided to not go through the 3rd replacement requirement before invoking their "new one off the shelf" policy. Coooooool. I now have a 80 gig video iPod.

But in all of that do and redo dance, I lost track of what audio books I had listened to and which ones I had not. When one isn't cracking the cover of a book open a dozen times, at least with me, I forget titles. But, apparently not the story line, nor exactly where I was when I was listening to it.

At Risk, Patricia Cornwell: This one I listened to extensively while I was walking along the beach in St. Augustine. I spent many hours walking up and down the beach (refer the blog about my natural pedicure). The instant I started listening again, not only did the storyline come back to me instantly, but also the venue where I heard it. Amazing.

Break No Bones, Kathy Reichs: Provo Aquaduct Hike. I remember the rocks, the turns, the big tube, the heat, even what I wore that day. So flipping amazing.

The really amazing thing about this, for me, is that I have always been able to be moved by simple things and to be able to conjure up my "happy" hideouts. That is what has so many times led me to be so passionate about events that other people just take for granted. I can be happy traveling to Timbuktu because there a strawberry breathed llama gave me a kiss. Making a grilled cheese sandwich with someone. A first kiss. A socked foot touching the small of my back. Hidden confetti. The texture of a shirt. The electricity of a moment in time.

Isn't this a wonderful gift?

Weekend

It's been a nice weekend. Coffee with a friend on Saturday. Dinner with a friend in the evening followed by Wine Club.

Sunday I begged off socializing and immersed myself in work stuff, project stuff, ipod stuff, some spring cleaning, walking, thinking. All needed and beneficial.

Fridays

I've gotten in to a really cool groove on Fridays.

I go into work early, leave as soon as appropriate, grab a cup of coffee at Starbucks, finish my work work at home, do all my weekend chores and then sail through my weekend with a freedom long forgotten.

Right now I'm working (my work computer fried today), blogging, doing laundry, drinking coffee, listening to a book and ironing. I love it! Tomorrow I be playing.

And I love staying up late with my own thoughts. There's great clarity to be found at 1am with a cat on your lap and a foreign film or audio book filling your ears. And as much as I hate to waste a morning, the slow awakening on the morning following my all-nighters is another magical emotion of its own (including the hungry cat staring me in the face).

One of these days, I trust that I'll find the right balance of people and solitude. Right now I find joy in that that is.