Angels in Planning Land

My ticket to France/Spain is booked. I'm not only overwhelmed by actually "doing it" but how it came together. Last Wednesday I was facing $1500 in airfare. Today - none. Thanks to Tom, my Delta angel, I'm flitting all over Europe, but just for points.

Another round of Delta agents worked to finalize the flight (ticketed vs booked). When I went to check seating I see that they have me booked as first and business class. First class is nice when you're traveling stateside - it is absolutely heaven when you are traveling internationally. I don't know if the class will stick or not - but its the thought that counts for me - that these people, who don't even know me, even though on this transaction only the airline taxes are exchanged, are being so kind and helpful. This is what life is all about.

My trip isn't only coming together, I can't wiggle out of it.

My tears this weekend are for different reasons than the last few months. They are for being amazed, daunted and grateful for all who have pushed me along the path to acutalization.

Thanks to all my angels!

In Memory

Today is Memorial Day. I've thought about my peoples and want to note them here. Please understand some have passed on and left a legacy of some sort, some are still pushing air in and out, but have made an impact on me.

Mom (Lucille) - Thanks for saying I could be/do what ever I wanted to be or do. I know the paths I've taken are not the ones you would have, but the end result is the same. OK, can we at least agree that the essence of the living is the same? LOL. I miss you.

Mom (Joann) - You have loved me unconditionally. I'm so blessed to have a mom/mother-in-law like you.

Dad (Tom) - You didn't do much for any of us. That's too bad. You had a choice and two chances. You blew them all.

Dad (Walt) - You loved me unconditionally too. Thank you for your hiking pack. It is through that pack that my love for hiking has grown. It is because of you I will embark on my next great adventure. I miss you.

Ken - Thanks to you I have two lovely daughters. Thanks to you for killing just enough of me to know that I will never, ever let that happen to me again. Thank you for forcing me to spread my wings and fly.

Robert - Thanks for loving me even when you really couldn't. Thanks for telling me never to own a car with a clutch because of course I do (and a drill). Thanks for loving my girls and thanks for letting me love yours. Your girls are beautiful!

The Lenny's - S - thanks for taking me hiking - your patience has given me a whole new world. W - Thanks for making me feel like the most special person in the whole wide world - at least once a year. You're the only person who ever calls me "T".

Carol - Thanks for being such a bitch all those years. You still give a good bunch of us something to talk about. I'm sorry though that you were the only posterchild for Mormonism that I had. You had it all wrong.

Paul - I think there was potential for greatness.

And lastly, but not leastly - my wonderful bunch of pals who keep me smiling, cared for and worldly: Louise, Diana, Blaine, Randi, Jules, Pat. We can't forget those most recently inducted into the brat pack: Brian, Matt and Cassie.

And because this is a three-day holiday and I don't have to work - I have to mention some mentors that have pushed me uphill: Jeff, Louise, Geoff, Don, Bill, Olivia, Mike, Kelly, Marshall, and John.

Fish Taco for Breakfast

OK - here's one advantage to being solo - I can have fish tacos for breakfast without guilt or goofy faces. :-)

My recipe for cooking the fish was excellent. I've never eaten nor cooked tilapia and I did a superb job. I cooked it in a lime, red chili pepper, cilantro mix. The "taco sauce" from epicurious.com was splendid. It was a great, wonderful, fabulous breakfast.

And I didn't have to share!

Coming Soon To A Blog Near You!

Pictures of THE WALL!

Soy mejor

PostSecret 5.27.07

Cooking Together

I was brooding a bit tonight. I haven't cooked much lately. It's too much work. It is much easier to have cheese (good cheese) and crackers with a glas of wine or grab something to-go from the Indian or Sushi (yes, sigh, I'm hooked) restaurant and nosh on it for a week.

Tonight I was thinking about how much I LOVED cooking with Paul. We always did it together - he was such a good cook and I'd "assist". He could make a silk purse out of a sow's ear when it came to food. The first time we ever "got together" I'd invited him over for leftovers. We'd worked late, I knew he was somewhere behind me on the highway and I pulled off and he followed me home. Intead of stuff out of storage containers we (OK, he) pulled together this wonderful fish dinner. (I didn't know I had fish in the freezer - shrug).

He asked to cook for me for our first "date" - when he asked if we could be a couple.

We always did it together. It was always an event - never a chore. I miss that. I miss it a lot.

I wanted fish today - I ended up with grocery store sushi out of hunger - but.... I have fish thawing for fish tacos tomorrow. I made a lime sauce tonight to use in the tacos (I so can't stand 1) fried fish in a fish taco and 2) regular salsa) - so the flavors will come together. And I made a marinade to use for the fish before/as I cook it.

And....since I'm alone - it very well may become breakfast rather than dinner.

I'm evolving. I am I am.

I'm The Luckiest

For being kidlet light this weekend - I've been surrounded with love by all my girls. You'd think it was Mother's Day! One IM'd me today saying another had been over and they'd been recounting stories. She sent her love. Another called tonight and yet another had been IMing me on and off during the day. The other I had spoken with a couple of days ago.

You see blending two with two and, thank God, the third, has made my life so rich. How would I have ever known that all those little girls, turned spunky teenagers, turned wonderful adults and mothers, would make me feel so loved, appeciated and fulfilled.

Yes, I'm "alone" now, proudly. They're all "done" and grown. And I'm so so appreciative and thankful that I had the good fortune to birth some of them and love all of them.

I am the luckiest!

I'm A Big Girl Now

I own a drill! A strong little DeWalt. My hand is so small that I can't get the mega tough-guy models - but this one is a strong little guy and I'm ready to put some holes in something.

There's history. I've only had a drill around if I've borrowed one (froma boyfriend) or married into one. I decided it was time that I ventured out on my own.

I've come of age.

I'm Back

I found myself smiling while driving yesterday. I'm back.
I found myself smiling just now. I feel glowy again. I'm back. The smile that so many people have stopped me on the street to compliment me on is back. I'm back.

I'm back.

The Wedding

The wedding was today. It was so beautiful. Two of my closest friends, married. The beautiful glances they gave to each other were so uplifting. The weather was perfect, the company entertaining. We had a blast.

I can't adequately describe how happy I am for them. They are a perfect match and very very much in love.

I Know You!

We're meeting a lot of Diana's friends this weekend (they're all coming in for THE WEDDING). As each parades through the door they're saying "I know you!". Huh? Seems Lady Di shared the "Diana Does Vegas" blog with her Mews East gal-friends. They recognize us from the pictures (was it the mug shots maybe?). The real fun is that we're all getting to know each other.

In six hours Diana and Blaine will be married. Oh happy happy joy joy!

Thank God!

1. My friend and her baby are thriving
2. My friend's health scare is over
3. Two of my friends are getting married tomorrow
4. My other friend is sitting on a beach
5. My girls are wonderful and getting wonderfuller
6. Sweet Stuff is getting better.
7. My passport came

Thank you God for answering my prayers. I am very grateful.

Walking

I'm glad I have a physical hobby. It is amazing how much mental processing, sorting, chucking, rationalizing, compromising, idea gathering, resolution and peace finding can be garnered while walking.

I hear books, listen to music, strengthen my body and resolve, and sometimes even physically read magazines (I have to know the path really well to do this) while I'm schleping along. With PodRunner I have a really strong stride now and can cover more ground in less time. I love effeciencies.

And there are days that I just let the birds do the entertaining too :)

Today was a chucking day. I walked the same route that I did one evening before Paul and I had yet another discussion on how we might hold on (only to have all those agreements fade into obscurity). Obviously I don't want this route to always be a reminder of THAT. So today I started looking around, trying to see new things along the way so the sadness/frustration could be disolved in the beauty. I pretty much succeeded - Timp is losing its snow earlier this year, the sky is very blue, the parks verdant in their Springness. The children looked so young and tiny racing their way to school on scooters and bikes.

In expressing my frustration yesterday on still, occassionally feeling like I got socked in the gut, my friend reminded me "Teri, you need to allow yourself time to heal." I am frustrated. My friends and family are dealing with issues much, much, much more serious than mine. On their scale - mine should be rated as trivial. I need to be their strength now. I can't be withdrawing, even for a moment, from them. Mine is a situation - that's all.

Toughen up buttercup. Take a walk.

Falling Out Of Love

Falling out of love is really hard.

My favorite shows are wrapping up for the season. They are at their peak - but not necessarily easy to digest right now. Example: "My soulmate, my lover, my my best friend". Words uttered and written many times by Paul. Another one: "I can't leave you - don't you see I love you? You are my everything. You leave all the time, you go away, you come back, you do it to everyone. I love you and if you don't want to be with me, I need you to leave me - put me out of my misery." "You need to go get her. Do you hear me? You do not get unlimited chances to get everything you ever want. " "He's gone. I'm free! (pause) Dammit! Dammit! (Followed by gut wrenching sobs.)" All intersperced with Cymbalta commercials.

I go a few days feeling fine, boyant even. Then now and again an evening comes along, like last night and zap, I'm trodding through mud again. Today I was OK.

I worked so hard to do everything right, taking nearly a decade to learn the lessons I had to learn. When I fell in love with Paul I didn't expect to have to fall out again. While I haven't cried for a few days - my aching heart makes itself known now and again and then again.

I have forgotten my survival skills.

I'm Sad Tonight

Season Finales

This is season finale week. Perfect because my classes start next week. It will be nice to be "TV-free" for the summer. Outside gardening, walking, speaking Espanol.

Dinner with Bob

My friend called me today: "I'm bringing a friend for you for dinner". Now I know more than you know about this right now - so it sounds mysterious. "The waiter?" I confused her with that remark. "I went to the restauarant at the airport today", she said. "I know", I replied.

Here's the story: My friend had been visiting family in Maine. She was at the Logan (Boston) Airport, went to Legal Seafoods and brought home "Bob" (and a couple of his friends) for dinner. Bob was a live Maine lobster. Yup, my new friend, Bob, qualified for frequent flyer miles.

But alas he won't be flying anywhere again. We ate him.

Whew!

Crazy day! The whole "Manager's Row" was empty today except for me. I was covering for 3/4 of my division this week. Busy! And I like it - but WHEW! Tomorrow will be more of the same.

Paul dropped into my office today to see how I was doing. I'm sure my jaw dropped a foot. It was sweet and I appreciated it. I just so wasn't expecting it.

My daughter is planning her wedding. I feel a little sorry for her - so many people ared demanding to be pleased. I swore I'd give her a wide berth - mine was over-planned for me to where I had no choices and dammit, it was MY wedding. I told her wherever it is, however she does it - we'll all show up and love it.

Five days to my friends' wedding.

The World Is Mine

I believe in the wonder,
I believe this new life took in,
like a God that I'm under,
there's drugs running through my veins,
I believe in the wonder,
I believe i can touch the flame,
there's a spell that I'm under,
got to fly,
I don't feel no shame,

The world is mine,
The world is mine,
The world is mine,
The world is mine,

Take a look what you've started,
In the world flashing from your eyes,
and you know that you've got it,
from the thunder you feel inside,
I believe in a feeling,
of the pain that you left to die,
I believe in the livin'
In life that you give to try,

The world is mine,
The world is mine,
The world is mine,
The world is mine, mine, mine,
The world is mine,

I've lost my fear to what appears,
I do my best,
the world is mine,
you take the price and realise,
that's in your eyes,
the world is mine,
I've lost my fear to what appears,
I do my best,
the world is mine,
you take the price and realise,
that's in your eyes,

The world is mine,
The world is mine,
The world is mine

David Guetta

(Real Chants: PodRunner.com/Beatport.com)

Happy Mother's Day!

I had the most wonderful day - a kidless day. Sounds bad, I know. What it was though was that all the kidlets are out in the big world doing their mom and adult thing. What did I do? Another mom, on the same plane of life, and I went for coffee, made brunch, watched a perfectly sappy chick flick, quilted, had a glass of wine on my wonderfully shady patio, untaped the blackboard wall, prehung the cork, fixed dinner and just relaxed.

My children called with wonderful wedding planning and schooling news. I'm so proud. They are so grown up and so am I. I've graduated from parenting in to watching the beautiful flowers just bloom.

My laundry room is coming along. Now that I have the freezer where it belongs - I actually have a folding table. A few more days puttering around in that room and it will almost be "nice". A nice coat of yellow paint might actually make it "pretty". I also attacked the ivy this morning. It was threatening to take over the patio. Things are coming along nicely.

And - I figured out why my bedroom is always so damn warm - the fan switch was in the wrong position :)

So - a very productive weekend - mind, heart, soul and tasks!

A Handle On It

I think I figured out why this weekend is so different.

For the last four months I've worried about Paul on the weekends. I think we only had one weekend together - the weekend after Valentines Day (which was fabulous and perfect). I didn't worry when he was in Wyoming, because I knew he was happy being with his kids. Most of the time though, I didn't know if he was here or there.

When I didn't know if he was in Wyo. I wondered if he was here or there or if I knew he was here, I was cranky because he didn't want to spend time with me or worried about him being sad and chosing to be alone.

I fretted a LOT in the last four months. That's what one does when they care. It wasn't a chore - it was what it was. But, this weekend and now those ahead, it isn't my job to think about whether he's happy or sad or here or there. Sometimes being fired from a job turns out to be OK.

Next weekend is THE WEDDING! And while I won't have a date (which I thought for once I would), I do have a fabulous is-that-a-pickle-in-your-pocket dress!

Randi

Randi can only be defined as an angel. She's my friend from work. But she's so much more than that. She and I did the Paris thing last year.

Today she calls midday and asks if I'm home - can she drop by. She was waiting for a car part to be delivered and was done with waiting. I'd just gotten home from running my errands so her timing was perfect.

Not planned, but completed (or nearly) because of her visit: My shoulders tanned (THE wedding is next week). One water barrel is empty (she knows how to siphon - hehehe), the 2nd nearly so. The freezer defrosting (that has been sitting in the middle of the floor for 2 years because it needed to go where the water barrels had been sitting). The wall is sanded (she watched), the cork/chair railing area measured, the drop cloths are taped to the lower part of the wall (black paint going up). We supped wine, ate sushi, chatted and schemed about the next project. The cork is unrolled and "resting" so it won't be in a fetal position tomorrow when we try to hang it.

All this in a drop by.

I also got my shoes and socks for the trip, groceries purchased, the supplies to finish the wall (smooth roller thingies), the yard waterd, the back swept, the "shed" cleaned and rearranged and yet another magazine read. And it's only 5:30.

For a "I don't have anything I have to do today" day, I sure got a hellava lot done thanks an early start and Randi.

The ^%$* Wall

I put the primer on last night with a too-fluffy roller brush. I didn't know that fluffy meant bumpy - I thought it meant it would hold lots of paint.

Fluffy equals bumpy.

I don't want bumpy. I had that wall baby butt smooth.

I went to the hardware store AGAIN. I'm going to sand AGAIN. I will prime AGAIN.

And tomorrow I will start the black board.

(I did buy the cork today - it's going to be SWEET!)

Learning things is just so freakin' time consuming :-)

Roses For Teri

One of the things that was so unique in Paul's and my relationship was that he kept me "bathed" in roses. I felt princesss-like and always had a visual and scented reminder of his love and devotion.

Spring has sprung and my roses are being my provider this year. They are bursting forth with blossoms. I'm not traveling as I did last year, so I get to partake in their explosion of beauty and love.

I sat on my porch tonight, sipping a glass of wine. The temperature was "my" perfect 70 degrees. For a change I didn't need nor even want noise. I just hovered in the serenity of it all.

"Contented" is the word I would pick for myself this weekend. Rose-spoiled and contented. What a perfect intro into the weekend.

Paradigm Shift

I'm free. Totally free. I can do whatever I want and I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. Funny how I kept saying Empty Next intead of Nest. This is it.

I got a magazine in the mail today. And I sat down and read it. I have exactly a year's worth stacked in my office (of just that title) that I have not been able to read. This is a whole new ball game. I think I like it.

Last Night

After my walk and ordering some things for my trip, I had an incredible sense of peace wash over me. I actually noticed it. I was in my living room, looking at my incredible home and I just felt happy. It made me smile. What it was was a moment of thinking that I had nothing of any consequence I needed to think about.

Finally. Again. Finally.

:-)

Four miles - no tears, tummy aches or gasping for air.

:-)

Heavy Heart

It was with a heavy heart today that I closed down the blog I had created for Paul and I to post and chat privately. It was a venue we attempted to use when I tried reaching out when he couldn't handle any communication. It was my hope that my postings would assure him of how much I cared, how tightly I was hanging on to hope, and how much I wanted to help.

Lately, I found myself checking multiple times a day to see if there something he wanted to say to me. He rarely did. I don't know if posting the great things we did and had, helped or hindered - the only responses he posted were in response to ones I posted expressing how ineffective I felt in attempting to save our relationship when I was overwhelmed.

While at one time I was confident that I was doing everything I could, events of late are leaving me feeling fragile and vulnerable.

Last night I felt like I was navigating through a jelly world - every step an effort, every thought a sigh, every other moment fighting back tears. I walked 3 miles and seemed like a journey. I finally distracted my brain with TV and got a "look Teri there's an elephant" call" and I succeeded in not crying. I finally got my tummy to stop hurting and my breathing to stop being gasps for air.

I know it will get better. It always does. One of these days I hope never to feel this way again.

Owie! Owie!

I'm listening to my iPod at work. Air Supply's "Two Less Lonely People" came on. I loved that song when Paul and I were together. It seemed to so perfectly describe the two of us.

*Sigh* I guess there's one more lonely person on the planet again - me. Owie! Owie! Owie!

Look! There's An Elephant

My grandson and I use this as an opportunity to steal a french fry or distract from a banged up knee. I think my friends were playing with me tonight too.

Just get home, just get my mental list going of what all I can do tonight and ring ring. "Wanna come for dinner"? OK - that'll be fun. While I'm running one quick errand ring ring. "Top's down on my car, how about yours?" "Yup. Just on my way to dinner at Randi's. I think's she's playing hide the elephant tonight. "Laughter. I get there and 2nd friend is on her way too.

Look Teri, there's an elephant.

You've just got to love those that love you enough to play the elephant game.

And Here We Are

I'm fine. I'm good. I'm ready for the next real life challenge. Life is good.

The End

Paul picked up his things tonight. It was the most painful hour I've ever endured. I told him I wanted to reschedule for a week from now, have him really piss me off in the meantime, so I could be in a dumper mindset. I actually fingered $1 dishes Sunday that I thought I would buy so I could smash them to smithereens.

This wasn't a "break up" it was a break down. I really thought it would turn out OK - that he would see the travesty of it all - admit his undying love, pull me up on his white horse and we would ride off into the sunset while the movie credits started to roll.

I have no regrets. I have warm sunshiny memories. I don't have him nor do I even have the tiniest interest in sharing my heart or my bed with anyone but my fat yellow cats.

After he left, amid sobs I called my girlfriend. I told her I was owie. Unbeknownnst to me she was a mile away. A few minutes later I was able to regain some dignity, recall the happy times she was also a witness to and relax. Thank God for girlfriends and their Hallmark cards. A few minutes later another girlfriend called to check on me.

I'm so lucky. I've known the most exquisite love AND I have girlfriends!

Bad News In Threes

After he got the call, my girlfriend and I looked at each other this afternoon and knew what we were thinking. That's two. What's the third? Not looking forward to finding out.

Spidey

Loved it. See it. Embrace it.

(But don't notice the fact that there is only water in the teapot, no teabags and then cream is added to the cup on the saucer).

Wax On - Wax Off

The wall is now as smooth as a baby's butt. I thought I would get it sanded and the blackboard painted this morning. No - just sanded and an attempt to undust my house. I was smart and wore a dust mask (left from climbing Mt. St. Helens).

Working on the wall - a few inches at a time, gives one time to think. I had finished a book this morning about the El Camino. Parts of the book I didn't understand or even totally like, but I got some great ideas of places seek out and see. At the end the author made a profound statement about the journey, which in a small way, applied to inch by inch working on the wall. Softening the dips, leveling the ridges and removing the blemishes that inexperience, frustration and fatigue put on. There was a life lesson there - just on a wall - in just a morning.

Last night I was on the phone with a friend for two hours - late even. I see her every day. She called to tell me a party that I had decided not to attend, the group had mentioned to some new comers that I was missing. The pertinence - I was included and therefore missed by peripheral group of friends. My friend also shared something that I had picked up on with her, but had failed to pursue. Another friend of ours wouldn't let it go. I felt sad that I had not persisted. But I also realized how sweet it was that she was now telling me and reaching out to me to be her strength. That is friendship - that is love - that is trust. It is saying that I don't have the strength - please carry me.

Twice this week, different friends have described themselves as existentialists. Yeah, I see that in them, sort of. I looked up the definition to study it a bit:

ex·is·ten·tial·ism (ĕg'zĭ-stĕn'sha-lĭzm) n.
A philosophy that emphasizes the uniqueness and isolation of the individual experience in a hostile or indifferent universe, regards human existence as unexplainable, and stresses freedom of choice and responsibility for the consequences of one's acts.

Yes, they are, and to some extent I am too. But what I am, which I think is why I am tied into all the friends I have right now (here comes the existentialism in me) is because I am the moderate Republican, the conservative Democrat, the Catholic existentialist, the goody-two-shoes bad girl, executive INFP, the rebel sister and Mother's clone, who refuses to stand still under any label or title. I love hard and hurt deeply.

I learned from the wall today that no matter how old the origins (think vintage polkadots on wallboard), anything (anyone) can change. It will require learning new things, a concerted effort, working an inch (day) at a time. In the evolution, the history (polkadots) and memories (all the fabulous comments from my friends) will remain. The appearance (perspective) and the purpose will also change. The result will be something new, fresh and functiontional. The lessons learned can be reused another day, in another situation - either here or passed on to another (as it was done for me).

Enough rambling. It is literally time to shake off the dust and get on with my day (fabulous and path filled life) and the Spiderman Party!

Wall update

I'm happy to report the 2nd coat of joint compound is now on the wall, the floor, the stool and me! I should have paid more attention in frosting class - because I could have sure used it with this project.

Tomorrow, I can start to paint. The easy part will be the wall - blackboard paint, bottom paint(special of course). And then I have to get the cork, put up the cork, measure, measure again, get the trim, cut the trim (haven't a clue on this one), paint the trim, apply the trim, etc., etc.

I'm doing something new - I've never done this before. I'm learning the old fashioned way - by doing it. There's no one here to teach me, show me, or assist me. It is a great lesson all around.

Why

I have spent the last hour trying to compose a "let's wrap it up" letter. How is one supposed to say "it's time" when all you really want is to say "FIGHT FOR ME, DAMMIT"? I'm not in high school any more. This isn't supposed to be a reoccuring event in one's life.

I enjoyed waking up in the morning to a smiling, sweet-breathed, amorous, handsome man whose arms had been wrapped around me all night long. I enjoyed taking turns hauling our morning coffee back up the stairs. I enjoyed cooking meals together and having conversations accentuated with forks in the air while making a point. I miss our love notes on the bathroom mirror. I miss having roses every single day. I loved being told and shown every five minutes how very much I was loved.

Why does it have to be this way?

The Wall

The Wall is changing! I got the 1st taping coat on. (I cannot figure out why they call it that). Another 24 hours and I can do the 2nd. From there the magic begins. This is all so new to me - I've never done this stuff before. Part of me is enjoying it - part of me wishes I had other "distractions".

As I covered the comments my friends had written, I recalled get-togethers and thought about the wonderful people who left the notes for me. As I covered the heart I'd drawn with "Teri loves P---", replete with arrow, I thought about the love I'd felt and how, now, he won't even speak to me. I laughed a little thinking how our relationship went from being like a bottle of champagne to a bottle of flat soda.

I thought about my girlfriends. How wonderfully sweet and capable they are. Both teaching me how to do walls and change electrical sockets. How joyfully they lift my spirits.

When I was done with round one I climbed into the ugly chair. Indie had a poignant French film, staged in Paris, about a couple in love who mistakenly ended their relationship. I wanted to travel again - to Paris and to Love.

How about that wall?

Well Now

Yesterday didn't turn out the way it was scheduled. No real surprise there. Except....I got to watch the entire episode of Grey's Anatomy - which I think is setting up for a spin off. (I'm glad that Judge Amy Gray has switched to Psychology LOL) and I got started (again) with finishing Project #1 (Now that #2 is done - LOL). I should have round 1-4 done this weekend if I keep dogging it between my busy social calendar.

What looked like a quiet weekend at home has blossomed into a when-do-I-find-the-time-to-get-everything-done-and-see-everyone-and-be-everywhere-weekend! What a blast!

Someone at work said the most profound and loving thing to me today. It went like this: If he were shopping for a girlfriend (which he's not), I would be the perfect girlfriend. Well now - that was a nice way to end the week.

Today

Today is going to make way to conversations that start with "when" and include "then" and will exclude "we're" and "us".

You'd think that after all the "thems" in our lives we would have heeded the lessons and started building on with a real "forever".

Guess not.

One more wash of pain and my new reality begins.

As many times before, I'm anxious to hold the box, lift the cover, and peek inside. What is in store for this life of yours Teri? I've had so very many affirmations during April - I really am looking forward to lifting my head and seeing what's up ahead.

Kiss on the Forehead

Nine years ago today was the last time I saw Robert. I got a kiss on the forehead.

I thought it was the worst day of my life. It wasn't.

I thought I would never love again. I did.

I didn't know if I could do it. I have.

We all have made it through thick and thin, from then and to today. We've cursed him. We've exaulted him. We've never forgotten him. No one has stopped loving him.

Lightening has struck twice for me.

But this time I won't wonder, I know: Bad shit will happen. I will love again. I can do anything. And....tomorrow is just May 2nd.

Wash, Rinse, Repeat

I can't decide if today is a shampoo commercial or a trailer for Ground Hog Day.

When I came home Sunday there was about an hour of light left so I decided to sweep up the flower petals from the whatever blooming tree I have in the yard. I friend's shower is being held at my house this week. I thought I would have a leg up on the week's chores.

Monday morning I wake up and it looked like I hadn't touched it the day before. Sigh.

Tuesday evening, in preparation for Wednesday and in light of the fact the little tiny papery another tree seeds are starting to roost, I haul out the leaf blaster and suck the puppies up, front and back.

Here's where rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat comes in.

Half an hour later while I'm vacuuming up the little pesky seeds inside the house, I notice it sounds like it is raining outside. No. the wind is blowing., my car top is down, the papery seeds are being dispersed AGAIN by mother nature. There are so many of the little buggers it looks like a snowstorm and sounds like a rain storm. Fine.