Falling Out Of Love

Falling out of love is really hard.

My favorite shows are wrapping up for the season. They are at their peak - but not necessarily easy to digest right now. Example: "My soulmate, my lover, my my best friend". Words uttered and written many times by Paul. Another one: "I can't leave you - don't you see I love you? You are my everything. You leave all the time, you go away, you come back, you do it to everyone. I love you and if you don't want to be with me, I need you to leave me - put me out of my misery." "You need to go get her. Do you hear me? You do not get unlimited chances to get everything you ever want. " "He's gone. I'm free! (pause) Dammit! Dammit! (Followed by gut wrenching sobs.)" All intersperced with Cymbalta commercials.

I go a few days feeling fine, boyant even. Then now and again an evening comes along, like last night and zap, I'm trodding through mud again. Today I was OK.

I worked so hard to do everything right, taking nearly a decade to learn the lessons I had to learn. When I fell in love with Paul I didn't expect to have to fall out again. While I haven't cried for a few days - my aching heart makes itself known now and again and then again.

I have forgotten my survival skills.