Stuff

It's been a long week. A great week, but a long one.

We had customers in town this week - lots of entertaining and speciality work. I'm exhausted from the last two weeks any way.

I had a nice evening last night. Too bad I can't bottle it up and savor it on demand.

Fires and bears are keeping me from hiking in the hills.

It's Gonna Be One Of Those Days!

Not two seconds after I put my mascara on this morning, I sneezed three times.

Bryce

I took these pictures this morning at Bryce Canyon. My friend, Julie and I did a quick road trip yesterday and today.

I've never been here before. This was so beautiful. I now understand why, people drool when they mention this Park.

I hope to go back soon and spend some time in the splendor.

This has been a wonderful weekend. It's been nice spending time with my longtime friend. We don't get to do this often. When we do it is grand! I've never had so many adventures as I have with her.

I'm going to call her new little one Merlot and I think Jules should just be called "Road Trip".

Craving

I figured out today why I am craving a relationship in my life. . When I'm in a relationship I slow down. I stop. I concentrate. I can't maintain a relationship if I'm all over the place. Things become partnerships. The work, if I must do it, becomes halved. The work itself is defined by priority of need vs. want and the person one is focused on.

How can the window screen eat at you when you're walking hand in hand down the street or swinging in the park swings together? All that is fettered is released by the love and intimacy. Life's perspectives are changed and the individuals benefit singularly and collectively.

I learned my partnering lessons (yes, still working on the rough spots), I want to apply them. I won't list the wants again...but you get the picture.

I'm so busy right now - there's too much going on. I'm giving pieces of me to everyone and not to a someone. It's natural - that's the way I am. But I need to center. I need a centerpiece.

Someday maybe.

Miserable

I didn't go to work today. I felt terrible. I couldn't define what was wrong but I did not feel well.

I finally did the math.

I've been living off about four hours of sleep since late last week. I worked half of Saturday had a dinner that night. Sunday was physically 75% of what Timpanogos last year and it is the beginning of the hiking season - not the end. Again only a few hours of sleep. Monday I was so sore that even the hem of my skirt brushing on my boo-boos made me ache. No yoga or walking. While I endured my ankle twist through the whole hike - it is sore and I haven't had a chance to walk it out. I have major work to do this week. My mother in law had a major medical test today that, thank God turned out clean...there's more though, she's still got 5 blood clots in her leg and one in her lung. My sister in law had back surgery today...she can feel her toes and is walking around. My best friend is coming to visit tomorrow night. I have two projects I wanted completed before she got here and didn't. I have a road trip with her then a birthday party I'm hosting for a friend. We have our users group next week and I have four additional entertainment events in conjunction with that. And I have three projects to complete for work.

I'm exhausted. Emotionally and physically exhausted.

But my work team and my friends were incredibly supportive today. I feel very loved and cared for. And..much, much better

I Want

This is my blog so I can say whatever I want.

My "want" hormone is active today so here goes.

I have been ready for someone in my life for awhile now. It took a decade to get there. I worked my tailfeathers off making me be the perfect package. While perfection is only a goal in anything, I'm pretty damn close. Note to self: Keep working on that.

I want the face in the picture frame to stay the same.
I want to know that my bad day will be halved just knowing he's waiting to be with me.
I want him to bring me chicken soup when I don't feel well.
I want someone who will let me love him.
I want to wake up in the morning to snuggle a face filled with love.
I want to wake up in the morning and know it wasn't a dream - that it is my life.
I want to know that tomorrow will be the same as today.
I want intimacy.
I want intimacy with the lust of youth and the experience of age.
I want arms to envelope me.
I want every kiss to be reminiscent of the first.
I want a partner who appreciates dew in the morning and sapphire skies at night.
I want someone who will sled with me and blow bubbles from the Space Needle and visit the monster under the bridge.
I want someone who will walk in the dark with me and in snowstorms.
I want someone who will cook with me and talk with me during dinner.
I want someone who will hold my hand.
I want someone who will wipe my tears away and hold me tight and make me feel safe.
I want a man who, despite all odds, will stay with me and open my car door and take out the trash.
I want to see the white horse coming at me and not the horse's ass departing.

I'm tired Lord, please hear my prayer.

And Another Friend Sent This....

Friends come in all sizes...
Your Friends will support you....
And respect your creativity or thinking outside the box...
They'll be there when you need a shoulder to lean on...
Or a great big hug...
A true friend takes interest in understanding what you're all about...
They see beyond the black and white to discover your true colors...
And accept you just the way you are...
Even when you just wake up in the morning
So make your own kind of music...
Follow your heart wherever it takes you...
And when someone reaches out to you, Don't be afraid to love them back...
They may just be a friend for life...
Practice patience and tolerance....
Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave...
And impossible to forget!

Share this will all your unforgettable friends today...

There were cutsie pictures with it - but the words paint their own picture so I didn't attach them.

Ponder, enjoy, react.

You Will

I have lovely daughters - another one sent me this. I added the last line - a magnet I have in my office and a mantra my heart beats.

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time.
You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend.
You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

Live - Laugh - Love

10 Digits To Being Nice aka Phonaphobia

For God's sake it, it isn't a sentence. Just f&*(%&# call. Friend's do that....really! No one ever died from it (except in horror movies). You might actually make someone feel special, important, connected. Maybe they have something to say that will make your day. Try it, you'll like it. How about just being nice for once?

Crack Canyon

I did the slot canyon yesterday! Left here at 7am and got home around midnight. Long hot day. I went beyond what I'm used to doing and scared the s*&t out of myself a couple of times. But I came out reltatively unscathed and glad I went.

Crack Canyon is in the San Raphael Swell. Desert canyon hiking. Non technical (says the pro), but I still had some ropes to use to decend and climb. One particular decent that was about 10 feet, was about hip width wide with one rock coming out this way and the one behind me coming out too (smooth), requiring me to prop up against one rock, start lowering my foot to a wedged rock, trust that there was another "foot spot" below that, lean back, and "just slide". Down I went slicker than snot. (After about five minutes of my friend convincing me it was doable. Looking back up at it, I could see all the foot rests and later I had to use those and hoist myself back up. I did it all by myself.

Finally one drop of about 12 feet required too much faith on my part and I weenied.

The the canyon was beautiful, some places only 5-6 feet wide. The hot was bearable. After we came back out of a canyon we drove up to a bluff, pulled out some lawn chairs and shared a bottle of wine. We could see all the way to Lake Powell, other huge rock formations, several mountain ranges and the canyons we'd been in and around. The wind up there was not hot, nor cool, perfect.

My knees and elbows are scraped - my little badges of courage. I carry the shin scrapes from Shi Shi, the right knee scar from Timpanogos, and hopefully the little guy on my left knee will leave his mark for Crack Canyon.

Little Helpful Tips To MANkind

Gentlemen,

Obviously there is/are a reason(s) that I'm posting this now. It is current and it is a collection and it would serve you well to read it, print it and refer to it often if your mother/father/sister have not beat you sensless about it already.

#1 Open the damn car door for her. If anyone has done it before you, you are being judged already.

#2 Need to stop for a beverage? Ask if she would like one too. This step will only set you back a couple of bucks if she says "yes" and if you don't...just see #1.

#3 Don't leave the restaurant (and wait by the car) while she's in the loo. You're obviously hanging around too many guys......see #1.

#4 Use the cute buttons on the phone. If you have her number - she's waiting to hear your voice and about your day.

#5 Take the trash out anyway. She'll adore you for it.

#6 If you like her - don't risk the fact that someone else might have found this list - use it or lose it.

Chefs Table

Tonight was beer and BBQ night at Chef's Table. YUM! The St. Louis Ribs were my favorite and the strawberries in a creme sauce (made special for us). Chef Kent saved our visit for last. Everyone else left and we sat and talked for over an hour.

I'll miss the next wine pairing - but I promised I'd bring back a bottle of wine to share with him.

My Luck

Another lucky day for me. I'm desert hiking tomorrow. It will be warm. I have a dinner to go to tonight so I was trying to get everything ready for tomorrow so I'd be ready. We have an early morning start.

I filled up my Camel pack, set it aside, went past it, and it was soaked. Grrrr. I checked the opening - tight. I wiped it down and stared at it. The teeniest, tiniest little droplet started to form on it. Because it goes inside a pack, there's always some kind of pressure on it.

The first store was out of the bladders. I found one at th 2nd store. (This one with a lifetime guarantee).

Here's the deal - 1) had it leaked out tomorrow I would have been vulture food. 2) Had I found it later tonight - everything would have been closed and I would have had to haul bottles. 3) Again...just right Goldilocks!

Not Special Enough

I got my answer yesterday. I only had to "Listen". I did a lot of sighing. I only needed to think about what I didn't write, what didn't happen and what I'll lay money on, will happen next week.
This kept running through my head from my Let It Go Posting (http://gossamer-wings.blogspot.com/2007/06/my-daughter-sent-this-to-me.html) : "I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you."

I won't allow myself to be treated as half-special or sometimes-special. I just won't settle for that.

I woke up this morning and those things that were hurtful were scrolling through my head over and over again like movie credits. I dug for the good, to see if I could either balance or tip the scale. It didn't work.

While washing my face this morning I noticed a note I wrote to myself in late April, early May, on my bathroom mirror (a dry erase marker and a bathroom mirror are wonderful things).

"I am worth it".

Even if I never find anyone who can believe in that with me, I can and I will treat myself as such.

My Friend Diana

I can't share her email here...but know this: I have never laughed so hard in my entire life. Only she could give a hug that includes 1) a kick in the pants, 2) a bull, fine china, related sexually implicit imagery and 3) the most positive encouragement that one could wish for.

Who's Driving The Bus?

I've not been "myself" lately. I don't mean that I don't feel well or I'm acting weird - a different level. I've been in a phase that now and again I fall into but know that inevitibly I will "go back" to what I know really works for me.

I'm talking about my Faith. And I don't mean Catholicism. I learned a few decades ago that by simply "believing" (after a thousand lessons proving such), my life was good and it only got better, the more I let the Spirit guide me. I had speed bumps to keep my attention, some life altering crap to show me how "good" should really be defined, etc., etc. When allowing my faith to just take care of "it" I was often observed always having a serene and peaceful look about me. I moved ahead and along without any major effort on my part. The return I got was always ten-fold....avoiding something dangerous or an accident , seeing something of beauty, meeting a special person, etc.

I chalked up my instant match with Paul as a Gift, gave thanks for it and then when things went south - I proceeded to toss tears, virtual dishes, cards, and everything at it, except my Faith. While, in hindsight, I see that what prayers I selfishly tossed up were heard - there was an easier way, for at least me, if not us, to get through it. Had I stopped fretting long enough to listen, I don't doubt I would have been handed answers, if not simply peace.

I know my Faith is taking me to Spain and will get me across Spain (there's that whole walking across the country thing again). I figure, whether I am ready for it or not - God has organized this as a captive audience exercise. It has been like the parting of waters on how this has all come together not to be. My iPod is loaded with music from the Camino - past Pilgrims' tributes to their journeys and epiphanies. I promise to let Him in and I promise to try to give up the steering wheel with my day to day living.

Boy Meets House

I’m working away here in the basement: type, type, type. BOOM! My whole house shakes. Destiny bolts (really). I run upstairs thinking Baby Kitty has knocked over a chair again. Nope, he’s under a chair staring out the front window. I’m now thinking I probably have a bird the size of a pterodactyl unconscious on my lawn – from hitting the glass maybe? I hear kids talking excitedly and now I’m sure that there must be something interesting out there.

I open the door to find three kids on roller skates. One has a very stunned look on his face, almost ready to cry. I asked if he was OK. “I don’t have brakes, I was going too fast, I thought I’d use one of your poles to stop and I just ran into it instead” …. With his face. I sat him down, iced him up and talked about his future plans to be a lawyer or policeman. His sister is going to be a model or a singer and his brother is going to play football or be a rapper. He really is going to have only a fat lip and probably a colorful cheek. He’s lucky that he has a hard head and I’m lucky the carport didn’t come down – this place rocked when he and the pole met.

In God's Hands

If you read the comments under yesterday's Magic Feet post, you probably don't understand it. And if you know me really well, you know who put it there. I thought about deleting it - but I'm not going to. It isn't what it appears to be.....I think of it as a reverse affirmation.

It validates that I was very loved (and still am). It validates that my fight wasn't in vain. It means my instincts are still in tact. It means I know him as well as I know myself.

That said - I have no action items. I thought all day that I had choices to make. I don't. I gave it up to God. That simple.

Magic Shoes

Last night I did what I feared would happen at some point with my walkabouts. A perfect evening, not warm, not cool. I decide to walk and find the gloves I need for my hike. I need some with rubber dots on the palm. I was told I could find them in a convenience store.

No, not me - I head to the nearest outdoor store. They don't have them - only the super serious climber gloves. I call my daughter - she doesn't use them she tapes her hands. I look down the hill- there's a convenience store - I'll try there. They had them - big enough for my feet. "Too big" said Goldilocks.

I go outside and start to head back home. But I stop, look further down the hill, maybe there. No not there; maybe there. No not there either. Yes, there, again tooooo big. OK now I am MILES from home at the bottom of all the hills. I live on the top of the hill - back there.

I didn't get my gloves, but I did get about 6 miles on my feet for the night.

Tonight I ventured out again - but this time to the hardware store. Bingo - just the teeny tiny sticky gloves I needed. (And a few more miles). And ..... they match my Camel pack. Now...where are those blue shoes?

Here's the coolest part. If I can work 8 hours and get 6 miles under my belt - I can now imagine that I can just walk all day and I will make it across a country (eeek) just fine! I'm going to freaking be walking across a country. Go me!

New Adventure

I'm going to do a desert hike this weekend. I know the thought of hiking in the desert in June - no sweat right? OK maybe just a little. Check out what I'll be seeing.



This will be my first real hike of the season. I've popped of Timp Cave Trail (record time this year) - but that's just my usual Summer kickoff.

Can't wait!

Yoga

My yoga class tonight was exquisite! I was so "there". I know I need to get strong again...I used to just have it all together physically and emotionally. The emotional is back and now I can get back into my routine. Oh how divine!

Last week Paul said some things thatI needed to hear very badly. He's getting stronger and my heart is at peace.

And well, as it always goes with me...one door closes and another invariably opens. I give up locking them.

Namaste

Reminders

I keep getting reminders that I have responses to my personals ad. I cancelled my account in November (see the notation about it not being cool if you're seeing someone to be writing to someone else). I finally logged in today to see what kind of "stuff" was in there. I deleted tons of responses right off because they were the no brainer responses that one can just send without thinking an original thought. Some of the others, I felt sorry for because they'd written and never got a response from me (screams rejection - although it wasn't really).

While for many years, meeting people on line has been a lot of fun for me - I've met a few, actually had dates with fewer and actually dated even fewer - I can't engage in this right now. I'm still too raw. I felt so lucky that I didn't have to start from scratch with Paul - I knew him and his essence and I didn't have to trudge through the yuck and much to find even the possibility of a pearl.

I think hiking next week will be fun - but tradition says I'll have to have "my cute on". That's going to take some work on my part...I'd rather just hike. Where's Pat when I need him? No games just altitude gains and losses.

Sigh

Now What?

Golfer dude does slot canyons as a hobby. He's asked me to go do one with him. Non- technical. Matt, from work, has been bugging some of us to go too. This is out of my comfort zone (but I've done bouldering on Mt. St. Helens) - but the landscape is so beautiful. The thought of being outdoors and pushing myself is tempting. I'm often frustrated that I don't have a hiking partner and this is a chance to get out and see something new.

The canyons are only part of the equation. Am I ready for this?

Out Of Touch

Oi Vay - I've been out of touch for awhile. I had Yahoo Messenger up today at work and some old pals popped up to say "hi". I had stopped my online chatting when Paul and I hooked up. Didn't seem like the right think to do while in a relationship.

Anyway...

I ran into a guy I'd played golf with one time. He remembered me as shy. I laughed at that one.

Seems we're all still knocking around in singles land still and again.

Let It Go!

My daughter sent this to me. It is by T.D. Jakes and it's fabulous. I found it timely for a number of people I know:

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.

I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you, let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
Let them go!!

If you're holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......
LET IT GO!!!!

If you are holding onto past hurts and pains...
LET IT GO!!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth....
LET IT GO!!!!

If someone has angered you....
LET IT GO!!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge.....
LET IT GO!!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction.....
LET IT GO!!!!

If you are holding onto a job that no longer meets your needs or talents....
LET IT GO!!!!

If you have a bad attitude.....
LET IT GO!!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better....
LET IT GO!!!!

If you're stuck in the past and destiny is trying to take you to a new level....
LET IT GO!!!!

If you're struggling with the healing of a broken relationship or troubled past....
LET IT GO!!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves......
LET IT GO!!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and destiny is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to....
LET IT GO!!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things and look to your future.
LET IT GO!!!!

Get right, or get left, think about it, and then....
LET IT GO!!!!

It may seem impossible to let some things go, and maybe you need help in letting certain things go, but your possibilities become endless when you let go of that weight that is dragging you down. It's okay to ask for help, it's okay to acknowledge that there IS a weight, and it's okay to LET IT GO! You don't have to forget, you don't have to validate the wrong, but you don't have to continue carrying the burden either. The great thing about the past is that it is the past. It's part of what has made you who you are but it doesn’t have to define who you are now. It has brought you to this moment, and in this moment, you can choose what you want the next step to be. Think about it.

Buen Camino

Small Things

It's funny how one simple act by one person with/to another can radically change the world as we know it?

This goes two ways - a thoughtless or missed act can cut deeply into a relationship or psyche.
Something small, but kind can, strengthen shaky legs and restore hope.

Small things have great power - we need to remember that daily and adjust our behaviors to honor it.

Tell someone how much they mean to you today or how their little something made you feel so grand!

Heart Strings

The gallows rope for women.

Please Hold On To Your Wallets

Finally! The long awaited Utah store opening has happened. We waited a week so to let the fanatics clear out.

I got a new kitchen table, four chairs, chair pads and a ton of other household items for about $200. Can't beat that!. I have to put the stuff together, but if I haven't mentioned it, I have a drill.

I also found some great furniture for my walk in cheese wedge closet (it follows the roof slope). I'll get that later - one project at a time.

A great road trip!

Your Chariot Awaits

Wine Club was tonight. One couple came in their golf cart, another came separately with one by car and the other by a hot candy apple red racing bike, and a couple of convertibles.

Our fabulous group consists of Democrats and Republicans, former Catholics and former Mormons, a Catholic (me), a couple of professors, a couple of software company managers (he he), a house-husband, a mix of other careers, working, retired and semi-retired, and ages ranging from mid-thirties to mid-sixties.

Our topics range from wines and foods to literature and history, military and protests, religion and politics, children and grandchildren, sailing and hiking, tiger moths and deer.

I'm the low-lander, not living in the area the group resides. Once a year they come off the mountain, into the valley, to my house. Month after month I get closer to these people and feel a little more worldly after each visit.

Who would have thought I would have found so much beauty in Utah? I have a wonderful job and wonderful friends. I found Paul here and will be having my trip. I have a fabulous home, my own drill and this perfect life. I never would have guessed it from a state that was never on my radar.

Funny where life takes you isn't it?

Friday Night Fights

Fight Club. Rent it, buy it, watch it. It isn't what you think.

I was invited to friends' tonight to watch Fight Club. Oh boy! Can't wait for this. I went along with the group - taking a book to read "just in case". It is a fabulous movie. I gotta own it.

We discussed the book and author too. I can't wait read the book and the author's other books. They all sound fabulous!

Do it!